A brother for Ben

Yes folks, we know. And now you know! A baby boy is growing and moving and dancing a lively jig against my bowels. The ultrasound was last week and he looks good to our untrained eye, no extra limbs or anything, lots of spunk. He may, we think, even have been sucking his thumb, which we desperately tried and failed to convince Ben was a suitable form of self-soothing. He was a true “need-to-suck” baby, and is still pretty orally fixated. But no thumb! He thankfully seems to be, at 21 months, finally moving away from putting everything he picks up on the ground into his gullet! Of course now that I’ve written that, he might take a sudden fancy to those yummy looking cigarette butts everywhere.

Holy! A boy, another boy. The grandparents are verklempt (choked up), since knowing the sex is making it so much more real for them. A boy! I worry on the one hand that being of the same sex, but sharing only half their genes, the brothers will compare themselves more directly (think body size; chance of balding!). Perhaps it will be the opposite! I am sure temperament has more to do with it than genes anyway, since brothers take all forms and relate in all kinds of way. I have a brother, so I don’t know much about bro-bro relations, nor does A. Everyone says it’s so good for a boy to have a brother to play with. Who knows? My brother liked to play my games but he was also smaller and I was bossy! We think Ben’ll make a great big brother! He is a fairly cautious kid, and seems to genuinely care when his friends are sad. The Sanskrit name he was given is even Balarama who is the wonderful big bro to Krishna.

Anyway, after a moment of feeling the loss of a potential daughter, since two kids is probably it for now or ever, I have launched into the happy/crazy world of boy names. Wow, is it ever harder to name a boy. You can really get away with more for girls, and the options are so much vaster. We still have a few girl names, since my parents were told I was a boy. But this wee baby’s, um, boy parts were pretty clear! A boy. Wow. This is really happening…

E

Bio bits

Thirteen days until we find out whether Ben will be a big brother to a little girl or boy. I guess we’re telling everyone this time eh? I know the surprise can make labour worth it, but I think the baby itself will make labour worth it (plus the delicious oxytocin/endorphin rush), and darn it, I don’t want to wait to know! I normally like to look at gifts, all beautifully wrapped, for AGES longer than an anxious child would. Somehow, this is different. It is certainly a gift, though its impact is so much larger. Should it be? I wish I wasn’t mired in the sex preference game, thinking it would be fun to have a daughter next. Sex and gender have been the media darlings this past year or so with baby Storm being born. Many good questions are being discussed. I have every reason to be an enlightened mama in this area. But folks, this goes deep, way beyond reason.

Ben looks truly fabulous in pink, especially dark rose, though men are thankfully reclaiming the pink spectrum. When we put him in girlie onesies though, you know, the ones with frills, or cutesy pictures on them, it was like working out a muscle not to think I was holding my baby girl. And vice versa about truck tees, or so moms of girls tell me. It’s a crap-shoot. The truth is we are having a human child, a precious piece of the Mystery, with all the potential of the universe within them. All the hugs and lullabies and pureed carrots will be the same. The yummy baby smell, the little fingers grasping ours, the awesome aubergine stroller for two. What this child will become is unknown, regardless of their bio-bits. The best we can hope for is to provide balanced opportunities and to nurture the soul that happens to come through me with reverence and commitment. Do I love me some red corduroy dresses with rainbows on them? I won’t deny it. But the same in overall form would be adorable. And some sparkly magenta leg warmers? Some boys I know are rocking those… Why this pull for mothers to have daughters? Is it just media hype and “chicken soup for the soul” sentimentality? Don’t many daughter/mothers combos clash? Don’t boys stay devoted to their moms? Don’t boys often bond better as brothers, than bro and sis? It’s physical in one sense, being able to relate to similar bodies, and spiritual in another sense, the passing on of womanly mysteries down the maternal line. But perhaps it’s time to open up our too frequently woman-only spiritual spaces, embrace the vulnerability that invites and launch with courage into the world of gods and green men. I bet we’ll come out the richer for it! Either way, baby boy or girl, we win. Either way, I am on my knees in gratitude as this wonder. Bring on the ultrasound! I think I’m ready.

E

Bili-boy

I can hardly believe it, but we’re finally parents to a glorious little boy Benjamin. It came as something of a surprise actually, despite A being pregnant. At 37 weeks (Monday the 17^th) A went into a very, very rapid labour at home (it was hard to witness, I can only imagine how hard it was to experience) and I would like to say we handled it in a Zen way. Alas, we both panicked. Our renos weren’t done, the house was a dump (there were literally random chunks of used wood leaning against our dining room wall) and both of us were supposed to still be at work! A’s brother got married today (Saturday) and not only were we supposed to be there, but I was co-facilitating the service itself and A was supposed to wear a stunning and expensive dress and be a groomsmaid standing by her brother! Suffice it to say, although we were ready to be parents, we were not ready to be in labour. A crew of friends mobilized to return the house to something resembling acceptable, and the grandparents/ aunts/ uncles were deployed from their various cities. We asked our contractor to keep working away to get the new spare bathroom done faster. So during labour/pushing, our peanut gallery of labour guests downstairs alternately heard A moan and him sing away to his “best hits of all time” radio station. Precious. A pushed like a goddess and the three wise women midwives fluttered around us as we grunted and flexed our muscles in unison, my body against hers, until A pulled up onto her chest the wet slippery piece of perfection that is our son around 6pm. Seven pounds 4oz, crying for air, he came out with a mop of gorgeous dark hair and nothing will ever be the same.

We nested at home, with help from family and friends until Thursday when our midwife visit revealed a worrying amount of jaundice. She took samples of his blood, which was the beginning of his career as a pin cushion, and called which the results later suggesting we head to the hospital. A sobbed and I ran around like a chicken. I’ll admit I wanted to finish painting something for the reno (which was a total failure, of course!). How insignificant it feels now. We’ve been at the hospital since Thursday night (it’s Saturday night). Friday was categorically miserable, since our emotions roller-coastered as his bilirubin levels fluctuated (bilirubin is the chemical that causes jaundice, which the liver usually takes care of but which light therapy also works on eliminating). At one point the levels were so high, they put lines into his belly button to prepare for a full blood replacement to his body. Those were dark moments since we could not be with him and were so scared. He wasn’t in pain though at least, and the little warrior and his special UV lights fought off transfusion! By then, A had slept some 4 hours out of 48 or so, her milk had arrived in full glorious, miraculous force and she was a wreck. Most of the time I’ve been keeping it together (despite feeling really angry sometimes and wanting to wrest control from the nurses), and thank god we were both able to sleep last night, shower this morning, and laugh about how silly our little bili-boy Benjamin looks in his paper sunglasses. I did fight and win for him to get breastmilk by NG tube yesterday since he was just getting an IV. His bili is going down steadily now and it looks like he is on the mend, barring any bad infection results (we get those tomorrow). We are so blessed in so many ways. The NICU nurses are fierce and skilled caregivers, A finally got to breastfeed him today (he had to stay under the healing lights constantly until then) and our support system is award winning. We have a son. We are mothers at last. I feel like I am going through the motions and still have to process all of this. I’ll keep you posted. 

E