tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13184783942491408062024-03-12T19:03:34.615-04:00pineapple piecestales from a fertile journeyEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.comBlogger91125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-73109635734207570382017-06-03T19:52:00.001-04:002017-06-03T19:52:31.135-04:00Musings from inside a storm<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">[written march 15, 2017]</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjsy4z5d6J_hI-oIlHUnBOH4WaMYl61psd8MjNabud10TUPZb7WiXu1yqvPuJRFQF3PxGCBL2EpPzKbrS_y5LZ-KvrDbxILKgtZrFO_wsYejETV2mj9BQ-bRg0ZhlhcQWi1pO0qtbgqN2k/s1600/snowy+daffs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjsy4z5d6J_hI-oIlHUnBOH4WaMYl61psd8MjNabud10TUPZb7WiXu1yqvPuJRFQF3PxGCBL2EpPzKbrS_y5LZ-KvrDbxILKgtZrFO_wsYejETV2mj9BQ-bRg0ZhlhcQWi1pO0qtbgqN2k/s320/snowy+daffs.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
feel numb most of the time. I have a lot of “shoulds” whirling around me about
appropriate feelings and responses to the shit storm of the last few weeks. I
should be devastated my dad had a heart attack (he’s doing well). I should be
angry and sad at A for missing my 40<sup>th</sup> birthday party (though she was at her
palliative grandad’s side in England, whom I also love). She and I have barely
seen each other lately. Parenting has also been extra tough. I should be
falling apart, weepy, but I’m mostly coping. I have been sick a lot, sad
sometimes, worried a bit. I feel though like I am not performing my scripted
roles correctly. Like my body’s emotional capacity has fried and I’m now just
coasting along like a well medicated patient, shuffling down hallways, humming,
saying “look, it’s raining”. If I let anything past, the wall will crumble and
I may not be able to put anything back together. Maybe that would be a good
thing. Maybe it’s phoenix time. I know its not so clear cut, to just throw up
the pieces and see where they land. I also know I am strong and reasonably
resilient and should give myself more credit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Lately
I am craving revolution though, do-overs, higher states of consciousness. I
want to think differently, to be ok with life’s hell better, let things in
without collapsing. I want that for my whole family, but when I bring up things
like mindfulness classes I end up sounding preachy. I end up making A feel
personally judged, coming out with failing marks for wellness. Why do we
sabotage our chance at peace and fulfillment? I know happiness is too
ephemeral. But being present, breathing, staring fear in the face, those things
could change the world. I know our little family world needs better budgeting,
home repairs, therapy and so much more. We of course also need energy, time
alone, respite from the relentless nature of parenting! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
think most of us are like me, just stumbling along, handling situations, making
the best of it. I want to feel safe to feel more, to live more juicy, to sit
with the shit and not pass out. The more I learn about what’s possible, the
more the answer is “being present”. Not checking out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Fear…
watch out! I am busting in!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">E<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-52103577285629186622016-09-12T15:40:00.001-04:002016-09-12T15:41:37.899-04:00Red hot pepper<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinMkywWsblzZNviVNXb2ux6QMS33Wm-5xZj1KrqJlX3hLqhte9U_NepsttTa8vt4YAYe_adDY6qq6Z9kLVQZX_nQl19fQrydtciRaMdAtDDAEom-Jylh3beqs8fyDAYrruIjYU-a423Etv/s1600/IMG_20160117_165410+-+Version+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinMkywWsblzZNviVNXb2ux6QMS33Wm-5xZj1KrqJlX3hLqhte9U_NepsttTa8vt4YAYe_adDY6qq6Z9kLVQZX_nQl19fQrydtciRaMdAtDDAEom-Jylh3beqs8fyDAYrruIjYU-a423Etv/s320/IMG_20160117_165410+-+Version+2.jpg" width="197" /></a>Written March 2016:<br />
<br />
Ooohhhh, spicey baby, where did our sweet thing go??! I am
still reeling from the sharp slap in the face you delivered as a response to me
asking you to turn out your light. I know you’ve been burning coals for a few
months now, sometimes a swift wipe-off of all objects from a table, sometimes a
smart smack on the leg. At first it was cute, you getting all ragey, lashing
out. Our sunny child having a stormy day. Since your wicked cold this week and
our days stuck inside the beast has unleashed and lately you’ve been hella mad.
You deliver an impressive roar, both in decibels and ferocity. I feel it blow
right through me, leaving me slightly a-shiver. I am sometimes even scared of
the “hard things” you swing about if you don’t get your way. I am both proud
and horrified. Proud that my wee lad is standing up for himself, speaking his
mind, not bottling up his feelings. We are left in no doubt as to how you feel
about things. I also cringe at the thought this is the new normal, that your “twos”
weren’t that “terrible” and you feel you need to cram some Tabasco into your "threes"! Well, I did repeatedly give you license for
this full self-expression (minus the mama-bashing). You do carry ginger blood in your veins. I used to worry that you
were being sweet to compensate for the wild cards you live with. No more,
precious one, no more.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Your loving fellow in fire<o:p></o:p></div>
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E<o:p></o:p></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-39215358617303969352016-09-12T15:38:00.003-04:002016-09-12T15:38:54.151-04:00Why I meditate with my eyes open<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfoUOE1tyuYiPB5oOBSjfc7laK1GDc1ODpOHxyj42tZe9L4X9S7h__b_sP_-nIhSez1EsJl6h7bw-Xso0DnYe9bdjv9SbGin4ba4GsKSFiR1mr_PnB9E6e2lIIraDvraHokdnnBKSYJs3C/s1600/eyes+open.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfoUOE1tyuYiPB5oOBSjfc7laK1GDc1ODpOHxyj42tZe9L4X9S7h__b_sP_-nIhSez1EsJl6h7bw-Xso0DnYe9bdjv9SbGin4ba4GsKSFiR1mr_PnB9E6e2lIIraDvraHokdnnBKSYJs3C/s320/eyes+open.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image from <a href="http://flickrhivemind.net/blackmagic.cgi?id=13200365893&url=http%3A%2F%2Fflickrhivemind.net%2FUser%2Fthirdeye.indigo%2FTimeline%3Fsearch_type%3DUser%3Btextinput%3Dthirdeye.indigo%3Bphoto_type%3D250%3Bmethod%3DGET%3Bnoform%3Dt%3Bsort%3DDate%2520Taken%252C%2520new%2520first%23pic13200365893&user=&flickrurl=http://www.flickr.com/photos/120513596@N06/13200365893" target="_blank">here</a></td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I don't, actually. My preference is
for maximum zone-out, or zone-in, any kind of mama-free, personal-time. I am a
devotee of many things, sci-fi fantasy books, yoga & meditation, Hindu
goddesses, intimacy, chocolate baked goods... things that lend themselves to
total immersion, total escape from/into something blissful and without (much)
harm. Lately though, my morning practice (daily since Feb!!) has been hard.
It's hard to juggle time-wise, I hear the kids fighting downstairs, they often
visit to show me things, and my mind just has a field day when I actually sit
still. I get so grumpy when I am interrupted or can't do my sit first thing. I
almost think my practice these days ought to look more like being present in
each moment rather than cramming it into that one 20 minute window. Like the
yogis who meditate in the midst of busy markets, I need to be centring, noticing
sensations, calming down my nervous system, while also convincing Ben not to
throw dirt in Daniel's hair and Daniel to clean up the 5 tubs of toys (of
different kinds) he dumped into the SAME pile. Or breathing deeply while also
fielding malcontented voices, managing the monotony of closing files at work, or
wading through the fear of changes coming too soon. Maybe it would bring more equanimity into
my dramatic existence.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Since I was a little girl, I've loved
wishing on stars. My wishes are very general, more about the bigger picture, so I am not concerned about sharing them with you now. For most of my twenties
and thirties, my wish was to "be free, in po-ssi-bi-li-ty". A few
months ago it occurred to me that that rang a little of escapism, and that in
fact I had bound myself by choice to many new and sacred duties (family
especially) which asked for a new and sacred wish. Now, walking home under
starry skies, I wish to "be here now, present to the wow."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Join me in committing to being APAP,
As Present As Possible, in every moment of each blessed, crazy day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
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Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-79728186331693033932016-08-29T22:04:00.002-04:002016-08-29T22:04:47.667-04:00A room of our own<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVf4Wh9bdexOiZ8nr6xcLN6LPhmoR0ApUwE-QNJ1b-_IkRX4ghQHX9U_oPeQufxtQxRUuJt_dPqIoqma2cvCVBJMreGuJ6L4ccZwF19q2FKAmCu8ZCipWOc_oLYk-P1rQhkL8zKGod55Jm/s1600/IMG_20160611_163555.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVf4Wh9bdexOiZ8nr6xcLN6LPhmoR0ApUwE-QNJ1b-_IkRX4ghQHX9U_oPeQufxtQxRUuJt_dPqIoqma2cvCVBJMreGuJ6L4ccZwF19q2FKAmCu8ZCipWOc_oLYk-P1rQhkL8zKGod55Jm/s320/IMG_20160611_163555.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11pt;">Head
full of a summer cold, eyebrow swollen up from an accidental konk with Daniel’s
extra-hard skull, I am reeling from our first attempt at a shared bedroom for
the boys. I have been resisting it for almost a year, out of fear mostly. Fear
of change, grief at Daniel growing ever upward. A grew up sharing a room with
her sibs, and Ben has asked for Daniel to join him in his room for months,
asked again today. We said “why not?” On a trial basis, moved Daniel’s small
mattress into a corner of the room, made it cozy. The boys went wild! The
promise of their first night together in that room motivated them to move along
the bath-teeth-jammies routine. I had popped an extra-strength Advil in
anticipation of A going to work and my imminent role in commandeering this
adventurous ride (did I mention already that I have a disgusting head cold??).
Oh, there was cuteness at first; a boy snuggled up to each side of me on
Daniel’s wee bed for stories. But Ben just eventually flipped, refusing to have
D in his room, freaking out about the change, the extra stuff in his room, the
noise (D was actually fairly quiet, though nothing like asleep!). I heaved
everything back into the crib, the eco-mattress weighing a farking ton, Daniel
upset, me tired and frustrated. He powerfully jumps up suddenly as I lean over
and “thwack” go our heads. I swear I heard a sound from my skull, then a
piercing pain, and we both dissolve in a pile of tears, hugging each other in
agony and shock. Ben eventually shuffles in to see what’s up.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Where
do we go from here? I know that if I had left them long enough, hours maybe,
they’d be passed out in there together. Perhaps it’s small-t trauma from years
of sleep training, heavy attachment to bedtime being on-time. Maybe it’s my
inner mama ache at the inauguration of a “big boy’s room”. Does every mama try
and keep their youngest babies for as long as possible? I won’t even mention
our half-assed motivation for potty training him (yep, he’s 3.5 yrs old!). We
are kind of trying, with M&M rewards, and underwear time. Not much is cuter
than that round little tush in tiny undies (size 2!). Daniel has gotten fierce
and willful of late, while also weeping at every transition and separation; a
push and pull of independence. A new pre-school, a new language (French). Maybe
it’s enough. Maybe we’ll try this bedroom thing another time, another day, once
my nasal passages dry up, my bump subsides and the boys forget this ordeal long
enough to say “can we share a room?” again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">E<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-64325231703686212552016-03-23T10:22:00.003-04:002016-05-09T20:04:07.892-04:00Paradise within<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In February,
I had the good fortune of spending some time alone at a Hindu monastery, or ashram, on
(ahem </span><span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-ascii-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">) Paradise Island in the Bahamas:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc5JRo6kWwMMiPo-NA9ZijydanlEUD0LF9UfSuQsAy24ToSAPpl7nTnUrHqTNg7K8NcrXkpoA3fJif9HzT3SEkgzFQ7FCNl2QswX1NZ39jd5nUbStUR9c8zZkLgmZLxYuDo-5wdwsqW1-R/s1600/Ashram+buildings.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc5JRo6kWwMMiPo-NA9ZijydanlEUD0LF9UfSuQsAy24ToSAPpl7nTnUrHqTNg7K8NcrXkpoA3fJif9HzT3SEkgzFQ7FCNl2QswX1NZ39jd5nUbStUR9c8zZkLgmZLxYuDo-5wdwsqW1-R/s320/Ashram+buildings.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A short
3-hr flight directly south from Pearson; a world apart. Breezy, mild Bahamian
air awaits me, pastel colored architecture, turquoise sea. Impossibly large
cruise ships dock nearby. Leaving the vacationing hoards, we take a short ride in
a small motor boat to an oasis across the bay. Carefully getting onto the dock
at the Sivananda Yoga Retreat, we step through into the hush of a community
nestled within a woods of palm fronds. There are orchids growing from their
trunks, unusual birds foraging below, people softly padding among them lost in
thought or conversation, perhaps humming a tune. There are open spaces for yoga
classes, meditation and chanting nestled into the trees or by the beach,
smaller buildings and tents everywhere else. Most of us are a rainbow of color
except for the swamis in orange and the novices and teachers in yellow and
white. My senses are full of the wonder of the place. Beautiful sounds: bells,
harmonium, cats meowing, laughter, songs, waves crashing. Beautiful sights: vivid
paintings of the gods, an endless horizon, watching deep hugs happening, seeing
twinkly lights through the trees. Beautiful tastes and touch: vegetarian wonder
food, heaping piles of fresh fruit, bubbly foaming waves flowing through my
toes, the textures of the ground and sand as I walk around barefoot. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Wake up
time is 5:30, and the day is mapped out with meditation, prayers and chants,
yoga asana practice and meals, all of which happen twice a day. Time in between
for naps and communion with the ocean, for buying warm chocolate orange cookies
in the shop, for catching swamis and teachers to ask pending questions and for
philosophy with new and old friends. I am filled up by everything. I am here for a <a href="http://krishnadas.com/" target="_blank">Krishna Das</a> kirtan
retreat (he is a Grammy-nominated Hindu chant leader) which includes two
workshops and three 3-hr intense chanting sessions. I am a bit starry-eyed
since I am a long-time fan. It was absolute bliss. I wept my eyes clean, sang
my heart out and danced my feet off. He believes love to be the universal
truth; that everything, <i>everything</i> we
seek is already within our hearts. To be happy, we need to do our practice,
whatever it is, to calm the mind and be present to each moment, to that
universal source of love and to the love which connects us to every living
thing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1-TkxJ6uGovQQw8eZKZ9Gh8LPAjxF5DUbIfITLFRulDUdw4ecWHOeR6z0-B3KX5uVrItWHpgYeXEqlZHYEaQb6FRiEcU0PxVsJQlXrEbTd5LqdzkmKNNPVPOjzxrRwLm-7gkQxwnWQYyd/s1600/sparkly+toes+in+the+sand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1-TkxJ6uGovQQw8eZKZ9Gh8LPAjxF5DUbIfITLFRulDUdw4ecWHOeR6z0-B3KX5uVrItWHpgYeXEqlZHYEaQb6FRiEcU0PxVsJQlXrEbTd5LqdzkmKNNPVPOjzxrRwLm-7gkQxwnWQYyd/s200/sparkly+toes+in+the+sand.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I’ve left
the ashram now, both deliriously happy and aching from the loss. Wistfully remembering
the nourishing sunlight, the genuine, joyful smiles shared, my heartbeat
pounding along to the tabla drums. Most of all I am missing that feeling of
surrender to the ass-kicking, structured bliss of spiritual life in paradise.
My work now is to integrate the practices into this “mundane” life, to breathe deeply
and with awareness, to practice mindfulness and kindness, to live with an inner
paradise and share it with those around me. Until next time…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">E</span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-11485324546216153232016-02-14T19:03:00.000-05:002016-02-14T19:03:18.025-05:00Sensitive sounds<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">We’re
taking a break on Ben’s violin lessons. “Forever?” he asked me hopefully. My
musical boy, I am sad. After so much work and research into the right sized
string instrument and beautiful learning philosophy (Suzuki), the kid just
wants to rock. I showed him Ashley McIsaac and other violin rockers, but
kid-level violin is just too boring I guess, too slow, too classical. He soaks up all the information at lessons, but it rarely goes past
soaking to actual playing. He is a sponge in general though, especially when
it comes to music of all kinds, picking out the different instruments in a
song, identifying rhythms by name. I thought this was one of those essentials
in his life, go to school, learn to swim, learn music. Life or death core
stuff. [For the record, I am aware of how privileged we are to consider music
lessons, how 1<sup>st</sup> world all this moaning is].<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie93zP9vONN-FcMIkkVKWGbl1vvB3AjRnpo520mLAz4J_j9iWbrc9DLwV74lo-NsoA8GtuK1pvTtt_gwrjyq3S3eUuR9m0QjvZbHSBdFLpK0mXIyTkOpjWAx20sJWjahKsA5MfqWfzmXG1/s1600/IMG_20151117_125330.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie93zP9vONN-FcMIkkVKWGbl1vvB3AjRnpo520mLAz4J_j9iWbrc9DLwV74lo-NsoA8GtuK1pvTtt_gwrjyq3S3eUuR9m0QjvZbHSBdFLpK0mXIyTkOpjWAx20sJWjahKsA5MfqWfzmXG1/s320/IMG_20151117_125330.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Well,
we learned some things. Firstly, and it’s not shocking news, we are finding
that Ben is a highly “<a href="http://hsperson.com/books/the-highly-sensitive-child/">sensitive</a>”
child. It’s not a diagnosis or anything and is often a strength. “Sensitive”
applies to 20% of people apparently, and describes those who take in a lot more
stimuli than others. They are generally more introverted, more reactive to
social and noisy situations, have "strong feelings" and are more perfectionist… They are more likely to wait,
assess before jumping in, and to need down time to process stimuli. Violin was
just too much pressure, too many people, too much noise without enough
motivation to move past those hurdles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">We
also learned that his Maman (me) was taking it all way too personally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been feeling disappointed. I really
wanted violin to be our thing, something special and ours, a connection point, a
project. Every time he wouldn’t stand with the other kids (always), or would
refuse to hold his bow, or to practice with me (even with candy reward systems;
he loves the occasional candy he gets!), it hurt me. I realized I felt
embarrassed (my own issues of shame) and more importantly, I felt rejected by
him. This made me angry, unfriendly and juvenile, further pushing him away from
violin/me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Our
relationship is more important that any music lesson success rate. A solid
family base is everything, the foundation we hope he’ll build his life on. I
want him to feel that I support, rather than stifle who he is. Our agendas
often differ, and I am trying to let go and let that be ok. To let him develop
his wonderful self at his own pace.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
didn’t promise Ben that we were done forever. But instead of group class this
week (which we’ve never missed), we spent the afternoon building a snow castle
with steps and windows and reinforced walls, all lumpy and DIY and wonderful.
He was really happy, we were really peaceful and we built something, together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">To
be continued…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">E</span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-49485776781061440122016-02-14T19:00:00.002-05:002016-02-14T19:00:46.564-05:00a little missing<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcYJ-Io7EO1TGeELSrmlo8LclrJf2NpbVsUhhRsRA27gPumqpV3tELEo-oy5NX45m0E4cunifgb96kINyOXeHx4aRaSlgrSV0A7EfrPmlePLIDUYk8xZ3wp6z0XaXekOhweHr5w9Ap410K/s1600/Didi+under+tree.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcYJ-Io7EO1TGeELSrmlo8LclrJf2NpbVsUhhRsRA27gPumqpV3tELEo-oy5NX45m0E4cunifgb96kINyOXeHx4aRaSlgrSV0A7EfrPmlePLIDUYk8xZ3wp6z0XaXekOhweHr5w9Ap410K/s320/Didi+under+tree.jpg" width="202" /></a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
stayed home without you today. A self-care day just for me. I miss you already…
Your little cheeks rosy from your osteopathy appointment this morning (a
check-up from having worn a helmet as a baby), and your eyes bright from
mischief and simple joy in the tiny cup of tea, the awesome building with the
100 year old painted safe and bright copper doors. I miss you in a deep way, a
Mama who had you in her tummy kind of way. You bounce through life, getting hugs
when you need them but most of the time off boldly finding your way, getting on
your own socks, zipping your own coat. You amaze me with your approach to life,
carpe diem! But with tenderness too, awareness. I love to just look at you, to
try and convey the depth of how much you are appreciated, wanted, noticed,
amidst the swirl of our hectic life. It’s hard to have an older brother
sometimes, to just join into a party that was started long before you came through.
He’ll always be a first-born, who loves to teach and tell and pull you along
for the ride. Sometimes we’re so busy with your brother’s bigger-boy needs,
thoughts, activities, you can get lost in the shuffle… Oh little one, nearly
three, remember always that you are treasured, that you can be 100% who you
are, happy, sad, playful, naughty, whatever you are and we will love you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always always. Always.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">E</span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-86010839309499514292016-01-28T14:58:00.001-05:002016-01-28T14:58:37.601-05:00I love you too much<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiokBwXvpDNjz6e17lSg2fyLnmWGa3ShYLDvghAfzUyQg1y3Faq8Wr6_6lOFJ9FySDQbJXSg66amktmjG_thJH-aG-CIipI689E5j2Cohzny-GA_O6i4Ao_vAEB7V8TOqSDNZT6jVCJo57u/s1600/Cute+kid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiokBwXvpDNjz6e17lSg2fyLnmWGa3ShYLDvghAfzUyQg1y3Faq8Wr6_6lOFJ9FySDQbJXSg66amktmjG_thJH-aG-CIipI689E5j2Cohzny-GA_O6i4Ao_vAEB7V8TOqSDNZT6jVCJo57u/s320/Cute+kid.jpg" width="180" /></a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11pt;">With Ben, the words for love are always dramatic. Lately he is saying he loves Mummy (A) too much. It’s the first thing from him in the morning, the last at night. He holds her clothes or skin like they might vanish, like a little is never enough. He can hit too, in those moments. Of course A feels terrible, feels she should somehow make up for this with time or words or more focused presence. It would probably help but Ben also loves deeply and it may just be his way of expressing something we all find hard to put into words, that chest-crushing, all encompassing feeling we have for those we love with our whole being. Like our heart is walking out there in another’s body. Like it’s too much.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11pt;">With me, even though I know Ben loves me very much, he will say he doesn’t love me. I think that what he is doing with both of us is testing his boundaries, and how much we love him back. Both the “positive” and negative expressions around love can hurt us sometimes. I try to stay cool and remember his age. The other day he and I were having a “time-in”, which is like a time-out but with a parent. It’s a time to chill out, take stock, with a loving coach alongside. He was super angry, trying to hit me, saying he doesn’t love me. I assured him that no matter what I would still love him. He started listing things he could do, seeing if I’d still love him, like if he bulldozed the house down or sent our stuff into space. After many questions came this one: “Would you still love me if I cut you in half and put you in jail?” To which I replied, “Well, I’d be angry and sad, and it would hurt. I’d probably die. But I’d still love you, even dead!” He scoffed at that, saying I’d be in the ground. I explained that my body would be but I’d still love him while floating out there becoming one with everything, and then would love him into the next life. He wasn’t sure, concerned I’d come back as an animal. I said I could be his dog or something. He was worried a dog couldn’t love him enough. I told him I was pretty sure I’d be a person again and I would find him and love him. He was satisfied, calmed down and started playing with me.</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11pt;">Sweet Ben, for heaven’s sake, words cannot describe how much we love you. I hope that deep inside you, you know that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11pt;">E</span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-27997581759456863062016-01-25T08:30:00.000-05:002016-01-29T12:04:43.483-05:00Our traditional family<div style="text-align: right;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoGA4CdwLSizke5DcOawnvr8mWpR8ObokkL0wtw58t8dUwUOJr04QoHo8BL7uXLE99kROk4sWHEVfKANaYUy3MtQsi9MEzcRO4LwuPwPLih3Bwz6DKcogIF3nHHcqIxZIhxZ4_btqdah5Z/s1600/stick+Woods.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoGA4CdwLSizke5DcOawnvr8mWpR8ObokkL0wtw58t8dUwUOJr04QoHo8BL7uXLE99kROk4sWHEVfKANaYUy3MtQsi9MEzcRO4LwuPwPLih3Bwz6DKcogIF3nHHcqIxZIhxZ4_btqdah5Z/s320/stick+Woods.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />A
funny thing happened a while back when Ben’s school VP identified us (US?!) as
a “traditional family” for complaining about too much screen time in class.
After I got over the shock of reading that email, I burst into a fit of giggles,
calmed down and then started laughing again! I had imagined many hurdles
sending our sensitive, vegetarian child to kindergarten with stories of his two
mothers and their eccentric habits (naked family dance parties, delivering </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 14.6667px;">instructions</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 14.6667px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11pt;">through song, </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11pt;">having roommates, </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11pt;">hosting Solstice soirées). I never imagined this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">It’s
not totally out there, since we are part-time inhabitants of the organic,
wear-your-baby world. But dude! I have a smart phone, share Google docs, blog… My
partner A rocks social media, soaks in pop culture sites. We both use computers
proficiently as part of our work and live for a movie night with take-out. We
just think kids are smart enough to figure all that shit out later and should
just be running around getting mud caked on their knees, paint under their
nails, and fall laughing into a tired heap like puppies from dancing to live
music or even CDs. Is that too much to ask?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">And
there you have it folks, you can be a big ol’ lesbo family but if you complain
that the kids at school have too much screen time (it’s epic, a lot of people
are upset) than you might as well camp out with the Amish.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">E</span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-47649852177641725542016-01-22T19:59:00.000-05:002016-01-22T19:59:08.863-05:00Freedom from within<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcC7dgpaiulttMfbBGfxq2J2P4TWiaIlMMgeeG6QhEFo1TZbP9EEtpU0kOfICzFe0fegDKMNsvDSd3_3zNMlBfVUPz3cTNhOhN4oL7jw5OYW32YkmR_TOgzvBRWA1CtPwAoHPaB70iawuD/s1600/DCW-caged-fox-800-600x403.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcC7dgpaiulttMfbBGfxq2J2P4TWiaIlMMgeeG6QhEFo1TZbP9EEtpU0kOfICzFe0fegDKMNsvDSd3_3zNMlBfVUPz3cTNhOhN4oL7jw5OYW32YkmR_TOgzvBRWA1CtPwAoHPaB70iawuD/s1600/DCW-caged-fox-800-600x403.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Written April 8, 2015</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Wary,
peering from behind shadows. The fur chewed off paws. Pacing, antsy, a deep
growl echoing. There is a part of me, somewhere in my upper chest locked behind
ribbed bars, which feels caged. My body tells me so: pain in the heart area
sends me to ER (inflammation, Advil heals for a time); pneumonia keeps me home. Something is
pushing, aching, something infected is trying to get out, something is trying
not to drown. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">How
does one do marriage, a family, and remain intact? What does our "self" look like anyway, that we try so hard to protect its integrity? Perhaps we shouldn't remain "who we are", throwing everything up in the air to see how it falls into a new shape. Change is the only constant after all, it's just </span><span style="font-size: 14.6666669845581px;">destabilizing</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">. </span></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 14.6666669845581px;">Parenting changes all of us, and it has brought to light wonderful and beastly parts of myself that I am slowly integrating.</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 14.6666669845581px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11pt;">My wish upon seeing the first night star, ever since I was a teen,
involves freedom and possibility. Since I chose a domestic life, I have to
believe I can find those within it. Freedom is a pretty word… but does it mean escape to me? The ability to do whatever whenever however? There
is no life in community without compromise, without construction on the roads,
without restraint. I don’t want to be alone somewhere, nor to drop everything
and travel. I don’t want a different spouse or children (or cats, as one purrs
on my lap). I love our home.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">It’s
up to me how I live this. I can play the victim, poor hapless, overburdened me.
I can whine and wail, shaking the cage of the limitations I chose. To be fair, no
one really knows how parenting is going to feel before it happens, before
nothing is the same again. Or, I can chose to loosen up, calm down, creaking open those rusty gates,
letting some lightness into those dark places. It’s about vulnerability,
ultimately. Really feeling love comes with so much risk. Perhaps I cage myself FROM domestic life, never fully participating
out of fear. Loss of control, the unknown, perceived loss of self. I think the only
healthy way out is through courage to be fully in the moment. And faith in myself and my family. In my mind’s eye I see my naked self
from the back, walking out through my ribs into an explosion of light. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">It’s
not freedom from my beloved wee boys or sweet gal I seek. I see that I am
my own oppressor by telling myself things ought to be a certain, perfect way, or I that I ought to feel more, be more. What I want now, in fact, is release from my own fears and to live in joy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: 11.0pt;">E</span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-64457217403555678272015-07-29T12:14:00.001-04:002015-09-28T10:53:30.710-04:00Eat, Pray, Love, Fear…<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Originally written Dec.2, 2012</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">when Ben was 10 months old, and Daniel was nothing but a wish in the wind...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #222222; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I just watched <i><a href="http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/eatpraylove/">Eat, Pray,
Love</a></i>. Julia is one of my faves. Not sure how I feel about the movie though. It was cheesy
and predictable, a meditation on the privilege to take time for self-discovery.
Yet I also ache for a similar journey to get free of myself, to forgive myself.
And to travel to India, Bali, Italy would be so delicious. I felt watching it
that I was looking into a mirror, a bit embarrassed by what kind of clichés I
saw looking back. Has my interesting life, my many spiritual, travel and life
moments </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">just </span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #222222; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">been a broken record? Too add insult to injury, I am reading <i><a href="http://barbaraehrenreich.com/brightsided-by-barbara-ehrenreich/">Bright
Sided</a></i> at A’s request, a highly researched and scorching book about how
the “positive thinking” movement is destroying America. The author, Barbara </span><span lang="EN-US" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #2f2823; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Ehrenreich</span>,<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #222222; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"> pokes holes in the positive
psychology movement and in many of my cherished “wisdoms” like “possibility
thinking”, “manifesting desires”, and the "law of attraction". She agrees that
being positive does tend to make you more successful and make people like you
more. That’s about the biggest concession she’s given. It doesn't necessarily
make you happier, healthier, live longer or cure illness. I can’t
say I have changed my mind on these issues, but I have paused for sure when
wondering if “things happen for a reason” or whether I will “jinx” things by
thinking a certain way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHVqx83eZAXW706aToCIr4Ej01swUEfmlAUdBpL3kfZuWzcuSjnVC8Icz8t79JiM7h8kuZhM3MTcZ9qLHuJS79kXKO0Mgwtvw1BH_S3E4xcFAjyqOcrfNMxMy0eCCMJRTbw2pb9ERGKBBY/s1600/dark+side.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHVqx83eZAXW706aToCIr4Ej01swUEfmlAUdBpL3kfZuWzcuSjnVC8Icz8t79JiM7h8kuZhM3MTcZ9qLHuJS79kXKO0Mgwtvw1BH_S3E4xcFAjyqOcrfNMxMy0eCCMJRTbw2pb9ERGKBBY/s320/dark+side.png" width="320" /></a><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #222222; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">All this to say I feel like part of
my rug is being pulled out from under me, and perhaps for the best. That my
eyes are opening more and more to the present, to what makes up my core line of thinking (and the impact thereof). It is very uncomfortable for me to
experience this kind of scrutiny, much as I claim to love “feedback”. I usually
expect feedback to be good, so what’s to fear? I aim high, so if I can improve,
please let me know! In <i>Eat, Pray, Love</i>
Julia’s character says something about how if we can forgive ourselves for our "harder to love" qualities and actions, the truth of who we are will come
through. No doubt easier said than done. And that relates to something else: I think my greatest fear is myself, my dark side, what I
might miss or fail to prevent, especially as it relates to Ben. Coupled with
that is fear of loss of Ben and A. Not so much in that daily way of
worrying about their welfare and safety, although those are part of it. What is
more truly a “fear”, the kind that paralyses with terror, is that it could somehow
be my fault through some missed detail, some inattention, some lapse in
judgement/ exhaustion/ etc. That my lifeline of holding onto what is positive
negates the essential need to pay attention to life’s darker sides, and worse,
my own. Admitting to her existence, to my fierce (but quickly fizzled) temper,
my ugliness when exhausted, my resentment. That sometimes in the moment, I just
don’t care. That I often judge others, especially A, and that I can act so
superior. I am nowhere near enlightenment, nor “free of myself” such as is the
aim of meditation, nor “smiling with my liver” like the guru in the movie. I am
a flawed human like any other, un-peeling ever deeper layers of self-knowledge,
some of them still quite raw. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: #222222; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">E<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-63903818141205004432015-07-28T16:25:00.002-04:002015-07-28T16:26:17.124-04:00Good Day, Sunshine…<div class="MsoNormal">
One redhead’s opinion on sunscreen</div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Oh the deliciously long days, the watermelon dripping from our chins,
the glee of the water park… There is so much to love about summer. What with
hats and sunscreen application, for many of us it can take as much time to
leave the house as it did in the winter! As a child, my mother made us swim
with hats and t-shirts on, otherwise we turned fire hydrant red. It hasn’t
changed, alas, though I’ve learned a lot more about sun protection. Everyone
needs to think about it, even if you never burn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Here are the basics:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3L0SGPhgutPYPdwHYGKkKSiPz9JqyVoU-nOmJqVnGCDFMYDK-0FNPfS12heSHL3HejLbXzpTNrB96aIIQD6-G3ZFj3s6UPX_mRNuU2MdjNZ7DomaL62CoFqX7Rj6ie4iD4b6Sv1dPkg1a/s1600/summer-clipart-sun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3L0SGPhgutPYPdwHYGKkKSiPz9JqyVoU-nOmJqVnGCDFMYDK-0FNPfS12heSHL3HejLbXzpTNrB96aIIQD6-G3ZFj3s6UPX_mRNuU2MdjNZ7DomaL62CoFqX7Rj6ie4iD4b6Sv1dPkg1a/s1600/summer-clipart-sun.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Sunscreen is not always a safe substance to use. It can give people a
false sense of security, cause them to stay outside longer, and the chemicals
in it (even the pricey stuff) can have quite harmful effects on the body. There
are many truly concerning ingredients, but I’ll flag two of the nastiest which
have the most research to date, oxybenzone (also called benzophenone) and
retinyl palmitate (a kind of Vit A). Oxybenzone is in most North American
sunscreens and has known hormone disruptive qualities and is not recommended
for children/babies. The retinyl speeds up the development of skin tumors and
lesions when worn during daylight (or ingested). Both are very common in skin
creams because they are cheap and the retinyl helps with anti-aging. It’s in my
Aloe post-sun cream. I just make sure to wash it off in the morning before
going out. If you want to know more about the nasties in your sunscreen or
other body products, check out a comprehensive site rating them and explaining
every ingredient: <a href="http://breakingnews.ewg.org/2012sunscreen/sunscreens-exposed/">http://breakingnews.ewg.org/2012sunscreen/sunscreens-exposed/</a>
or <a href="http://www.ewg.org/skindeep/">http://www.ewg.org/skindeep/</a>.
Seriously, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">So what’s a gal/guy to do??? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Never fear! I'm not saying don’t wear sunscreen. As always, the best
protection is to stay indoors mid-day, and/or wear a hat/protective
clothing/use a parasol/umbrella. Even if you never burn (from UVB rays), you
are being exposed to UVA rays (even on cloudy/cold days) and those are the ones
that gift you with the big M melanomas. So here is my sunscreen advice (based
on WAY too much reading and experience):<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Look for mineral based sunscreens,
ideally made of Zinc Oxide. It’s not a perfect substance, but compared to the
other options it is very safe. Here is an article about Zinc <a href="http://www.badgerbalm.com/s-33-zinc-oxide-and-nanoparticles.aspx">http://www.badgerbalm.com/s-33-zinc-oxide-and-nanoparticles.aspx</a>
. <span style="background: white;">Sunscreens without zinc or titanium contain an
average of 4 times </span>more <span style="background: white;">high hazard
ingredients known or strongly suspected to cause cancer or birth defects, to
disrupt human reproduction or damage the growing brain of a child. They also
contain more toxins on average in every major category of health harm
considered: cancer (10% more), birth defects and reproductive harm (40% more),
neurotoxins (20% more), endocrine system disruptors (70% more), and chemicals
that can damage the immune system (70% more) (EWG 2007).</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><span style="background: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">2 1. </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">I use Heiko and Badger products which can be found in health food stores and at sometimes at Loblaws. Badger seems to be the
safest of all the safe ones which can be found locally since I think
Heiko has some artificial fragrance. Badger is cheaper than Heiko too.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -18pt;"> 2. No, they are not as easy to apply,
you can see them more on your skin (because they are a block, not a cream), and
yes, they are more expensive. But they smell like nothing, or like heaven (and naturally so),
don’t give you the cancer you’re trying to prevent, and help you feel safe.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"> 3. Avoid spray sunscreens of any kind
(inhalation=very bad). Wiggly kids be damned, hold them down!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"> 4.</span><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">If you just can’t do the white stuff
(though after rubbing, there is really very little left), Green Beaver makes one that goes on clear (bit greasy). Sunscreens with Avobenzone are the
next best option as a full-spectrum sunscreen ingredient (assuming it is not
combined with all the other nasties).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">So if you want to talk more about any of this, feel free to contact me.
I can chat at length about nano particles, free-radicals, new European
innovations and all kinds of other stuff I didn't mention here! Now THAT’S a
PARTY!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white; color: #4f402a; font-family: "Lucida Sans Unicode",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"> </span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white; color: #4f402a; font-family: "Lucida Sans Unicode",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"> </span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: #FDF9F0; color: #494949; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">More reading?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Health Canada site: <a href="http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/dhp-mps/prodnatur/applications/licen-prod/monograph/mono_sunprotect_ecransolaire-eng.php">http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/dhp-mps/prodnatur/applications/licen-prod/monograph/mono_sunprotect_ecransolaire-eng.php</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Best sunscreens: <a href="http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/natural-beauty-fashion/stories/best-sunscreens">http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/natural-beauty-fashion/stories/best-sunscreens</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Chemicals to avoid: <a href="http://chemicaloftheday.squarespace.com/sunscreens/2009/6/17/chemicals-to-avoid-in-sunblock.html">http://chemicaloftheday.squarespace.com/sunscreens/2009/6/17/chemicals-to-avoid-in-sunblock.html</a></span>Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-90575673170267310662015-07-12T21:07:00.001-04:002015-07-12T21:07:12.652-04:00The Present
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOwoLnLd_ZKmhOY3pkvhe7pjB9cOivP_2RmFhsj84K2NXLD5FZCuHds_yi952dB9cyDitdNZn6GOuyJkvCbfARt11Xe5GFvSbqW-0KSnjs5cyexnY0h2iqoD0b2hM3zEYEueUa4ezyp-UD/s1600/kd.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOwoLnLd_ZKmhOY3pkvhe7pjB9cOivP_2RmFhsj84K2NXLD5FZCuHds_yi952dB9cyDitdNZn6GOuyJkvCbfARt11Xe5GFvSbqW-0KSnjs5cyexnY0h2iqoD0b2hM3zEYEueUa4ezyp-UD/s1600/kd.jpeg" /></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">How
do I keep my spiritual practice alive while parenting little kids? That’s the
question I asked recently of <a href="http://www.krishnadas.com/" target="_blank">Krishna Das</a>, singer of Hindu devotional chanting. He
said, “You don’t”. He must have seen the look of shock and dismay on my face as
those words echoed through my body and added, “you just stay in each present
moment as it comes, and when you’re distracted or want to run away, you keep
coming back to the present.” I could feel my cheeks getting hot and tears
threatening to spill over. I wanted him to tell me a funny anecdote about some
other family in India that made it work, or to encourage me to discuss with my
partner a way to prioritize a daily practice for myself. Instead he told me to
sit with the discomfort, with the urge to escape, with the messy, chaotic,
emotional whirl of each parenting moment. That perhaps other practices like
meditation or yoga could strengthen me for the work. But the work, he said, was
already in front of me. Hari om.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">E</span></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment-->Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-8738267107566186132015-06-24T11:38:00.002-04:002015-06-24T11:39:04.857-04:00Integrating birth<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7x3ngbKWBAgMsoKOd8SbPR9oibxrANXLHLY_HAKLit2U0hfNg0r4NimHo4qwBdQtuU8b4O7YG2igQ9NjA5iY9ucNJMZRbqvXxQT81HnzdgNK9FDTbSVmUIR_HwBP4xABf4XRUz1Hu50xH/s1600/IMG_3939.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="138" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7x3ngbKWBAgMsoKOd8SbPR9oibxrANXLHLY_HAKLit2U0hfNg0r4NimHo4qwBdQtuU8b4O7YG2igQ9NjA5iY9ucNJMZRbqvXxQT81HnzdgNK9FDTbSVmUIR_HwBP4xABf4XRUz1Hu50xH/s200/IMG_3939.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
had another dream last night about being pregnant. I think that’s the fifth in
the last while. I am always surprised about how it happened! Sometimes I wonder
if A will be mad, like I went behind her back… I’m not sure why I’m dreaming
about pregnancy. Is it Mama Nature tugging at me while She can? Is it just
normal? I was looking at videos and pictures of myself right after Daniel’s
birth, remembering his squishy face and cone head and deep eyes. Remembering
how I’d almost given up, how I’d said “never again” after pushing him out. The
love of a parent is a strange and potent thing, or maybe all love makes us
blind. Maybe I’m dreaming of having another baby because mine is growing so
fast, climbs everything, doesn’t always want kisses anymore, or says things
like “boom, boom, music in the sky” about thunder. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
have another theory about why that dream keeps repeating. I’ve been an achy
mama since Daniel’s birth. He’s two and a half already and my hips and knees
are still acting like I became a granny not a bio-mom! How many moms groan when
they stand up from the floor? Ok, maybe I’m not alone. What if it’s my body
chattering to me? Am I listening? Could it be saying, “Listen mama, you’re
really sad. Your heart is breaking a little watching him get further away each
day. Giving birth to D was the most intense thing that ever happened to you and
have you processed that?? Pay attention to me, I was his first home and I am
hurting.” I am not sure I am ready to hear you body, because if I do, maybe
I’ll let the pain go and won’t have a daily reminder that for a little while he
was all mine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">E</span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-31234280005192888292015-01-28T09:40:00.001-05:002015-01-28T09:42:32.721-05:00Four year old family<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Our family turned four this week with the celebration of Ben’s
birthday! We always remind him that although he has to share his mothers, he will
always be the one who made us a family. Our first everything. The guinea pig
for two overenthusiastic, overly-read parents. He has two MOTHERS for heaven’s
sake </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings;">J</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnW-XYPf-Sg-X2xdFqFuXt0xWn-JXmd7brdQ8_k_W673HqH4TYIBkfH_edWe68GI3RWT67zg7K2ZXsYrmNltEqVRBiEtcWqgL6SEjCA6sxjkh-QwD-gOE_qPAOOHL-l9wMj7DATDSDfQqE/s1600/IMG_7088.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnW-XYPf-Sg-X2xdFqFuXt0xWn-JXmd7brdQ8_k_W673HqH4TYIBkfH_edWe68GI3RWT67zg7K2ZXsYrmNltEqVRBiEtcWqgL6SEjCA6sxjkh-QwD-gOE_qPAOOHL-l9wMj7DATDSDfQqE/s1600/IMG_7088.jpg" height="320" width="300" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Normally A puts him to bed, but on Mondays I have the privilege of
guiding him into la-la land (lying with him for the few minutes it takes him to
fall asleep has changed our life for the better). Tonight he drifted off with
his forehead pressed to mine, our breathing becoming in sync. I told him I
loved him forever and he replied, “I love you forever Maman”. Melt my heart,
that boy is a love machine sometimes. It’s extra dear to me now because he and
I have been having some challenges connecting lately. He’s said some classic,
mean, kid stuff to me, and though I’m accepting the kid/Neanderthal place he’s
coming from sometimes, some of his words were starting to seep through the
barrier. I want him to know that I not only love him, but like him too, that I
look forward to seeing him. I’m not sure he knows that all the time, since his
unique person-hood includes some strong feelings and actions that make me feel
nuts and push my monster buttons. It should come naturally I suppose, for a kid
to just know how you feel. A partner too, just read my mind! Instead it takes
practice, hearing every time Ben calls my name, noticing and commenting on what
fires him up with joy and concentration, my eyes lighting up when he comes
home. I think it’s working too, since he really snuggled me tonight and every
chamber of my heart is glowing.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Luckily his little bro and he are getting along better too. God
they're cute. Daniel has finally succumbed to Ben's longstanding desire for
a peer wrestling partner. Ben and I wrestle on the play room mattress most
evenings, Ben being thrown around, pillows going "poosh" onto each
other, laughter erupting. It's really precious to me (and I think him). But I
know he's wanted Dee to play since he was born, really play with him. I caught
them the other night on our (low) bed, jumping and pillow fighting and giggling
so much. BOTH of them. No crying. Amazing. I really hope Dee realizes how great
it can be to play along to his Ben’s games and imaginative ideas, and
how lucky he is to have such a caring and thoughtful big bro.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Sustaining loving relationships IS a practice. Like yoga, or
eating well. It may come in fits and starts, but pretty soon you get into the
flow… Your body unfurls, your breathing deepens, your cells rest in full
nourishment. Suddenly a big, little boy, soft in his “footie jammas” is holding
onto you like you being there really matters. Happy birthday sweet thing.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 9.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">E</span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-88577240007139147222015-01-23T19:41:00.000-05:002015-01-28T09:43:08.735-05:00Caught poo-handed<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: -.35pt; margin-top: 0cm;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUw0G9-Ptlsi189wgvvVET8GY7DrLb_4RRNhsvXDy3IB4gaRZgMwBh0oFzIjQEc701h8N0tP7Pf2V52i3YsX_FoumFU775YCEFQ3aFi9rQMjpqRWMb4lvUwEdyD2qQPWbWkCb2oGNk0JCi/s1600/poop.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUw0G9-Ptlsi189wgvvVET8GY7DrLb_4RRNhsvXDy3IB4gaRZgMwBh0oFzIjQEc701h8N0tP7Pf2V52i3YsX_FoumFU775YCEFQ3aFi9rQMjpqRWMb4lvUwEdyD2qQPWbWkCb2oGNk0JCi/s1600/poop.jpg" height="223" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">It’s certainly no record, but I have literally had poo on my hands
four times today. It came from a combination of toddler diaper changing, preschooler
bum wiping and the discovery of poo of mysterious canine origin under Daniel's
boots. The latter had apparently affixed itself to his tiny boot yesterday. It
had been frozen so I hadn't noticed. And I carried Daniel in on my hip last
night, so while grocery shopping with the boys today I discovered the business
crusted around the bottom of my coat. They took it in stride of course; poo is
everywhere and their mums deal with it. Honestly, I think we socially construct
its "gross" factor. Biologically we're probably wired to avoid it,
for health reasons, but I've seen very little sign of either of my boys finding
it intrinsically gross. Why do I blog about these precious anecdotes? Mostly to
share a laugh with you and avoid any tears. Perhaps also to demonstrate my
maturing motherhood with my apparent equanimity (slash apathy) about it
all. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">On another note, unrelated to poo,
though no less gross, I dismantled the high chair yesterday and put it away,
probably for good. I was aware that it ought to be an emotionally fraught
activity, and I did feel waves of nostalgia and a bit of shock at the speed of
time passing. Mostly I felt the 3+ years of accumulated crust and crud from
every nook and cranny upon my hands. And oh, there was this secret treasure
stash under the basket of bibs and cloths, a prehistoric compaction of dried
tofu, Cheerios once congealed together and now almost indecipherable from
each other, and one lonely vitamin. I bet the lot could make a science grad
student's day somewhere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;"><br />
To top it off, mothers (and anyone with a period really) have to manage
these shenanigans while also surviving the monthly onslaught of
hormones! You'd think we'd be given a reprieve, having used our reproductive
bits productively. I guess Mother Nature wants us feeling moody and
questionably hygienic until we can't possibly push out
another bundle of joy. Being in tune with the Earth's cycles, such
bliss. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;"><br />
Going to pop another Advil cuz now I just feel poopy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;"><br />
E<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-73493771136530764782014-11-06T12:47:00.000-05:002014-11-06T12:47:37.081-05:00Get out of the way of the Way<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0uUNs4NP0dQsYDDV1NSmnyXItMqdobhaBjF6hojcdHjUAfSstTSsu0H4mVIC9vQNZgDlws5aB6LuxFWneOlf1cYjJdAH72Zn7U6uAP4p-TuUenOtfINXprimLpVGV0F5fFnppK3YEgVfw/s1600/tao-of-pooh.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0uUNs4NP0dQsYDDV1NSmnyXItMqdobhaBjF6hojcdHjUAfSstTSsu0H4mVIC9vQNZgDlws5aB6LuxFWneOlf1cYjJdAH72Zn7U6uAP4p-TuUenOtfINXprimLpVGV0F5fFnppK3YEgVfw/s1600/tao-of-pooh.png" height="200" width="173" /></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
read the Tao of Pooh some time ago, and am currently, finally, reading the
original Taoist mystical text, the Tao Te Ching. That is, my eyes are reading
the words on the page. Not much useful happens next. The Tao is a tough text to understand; its depth, endless. It’s about The Way (Tao),
integrity, yin/yang, the nature of Life. I don’t pretend to be a true scholar, and just writing about the Tao is a quagmire of confusion, but here’s an excerpt of how I’m playing with the ideas lately:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">I
am standing washing dishes for the umpteenth evening in a row, adrenaline
coursing through me, my breath shallow, as I wait for A’s telltale steps down
the stairs </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">signalling</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> “all is well with our now sleeping children”. Some
powerful hidden anger overtakes me one evening, I believe it was a Saturday
after a long day outside. A rage-filled roar in my head shouts: HOW HAVE I LET
MYSELF BE TRAMPLED BY FEAR??? The children (Ben) will fall asleep eventually,
it is the Way. Parents (me) agonize over it, to the point of feeling
traumatized. My roiling insides begged for mercy, for me to get out of the way
of my own self-torture. It’s been life changing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Dry
rice is falling all over the floor, getting stuck into every nook and cranny of
the kitchen, Daniel’s diaper, the toaster oven, everywhere. The boys are
playing with it, merrily scooping it from bowl to bowl with a variety of utensils,
happy as clams. It is the Way of children everywhere. Keeping a clean house as a parent is not. Neither is
letting myself freak out about it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Years
of trying to get pregnant. Lots of asking “Why me??” with no good answers. Asking
“why me?” is not the Way. A friend who recently experienced a miscarriage told
me she is no longer beholden to believing in Karma. She no longer thinks it was
anything but “shit” happening. Shit happening is the Way. What we do about it
is what matters. I asked if she thinks things happen for a reason. She said she
does, but not in a personal way, rather in the “Way things are” kind of way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Lately,
I have been feeling like the less I resist the Way of Life, the easier
everything is to take. Duh. Like the classic pop psych maxim “resistance is
persistence” I am slowly letting go of the illusion of control. It’s a mind
game, and playing it, I win so much back! My joy in watching the children being
children, my gratitude for their lives, my appreciation of the simplicity of
our family existence right now. I am taking care to check my brain regularly: Am
I getting in my own way right now? Is my brain making up stories for which I am
suffering needlessly? Am I present to love?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">The
Way is the Way. How we experience it is up to us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">E</span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-63832631815577170022014-11-06T11:47:00.002-05:002014-11-06T12:38:56.508-05:00Rattley Bumpa<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">NB: this was written in early October.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The
sound a pick-up truck makes driving near a fresh construction sit. The name of
a great kids’ </span></span><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1298282.A_Truck_Goes_Rattley_Bumpa" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">book</a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">.
The feeling of my heart beating erratically in this moment. It’s been a doozy
of a month with my older son Ben starting pre-school, saying goodbye to the
crib/toddler bed and none of us sleeping through the night once yet since it
all started. I have a benign heart arrhythmia, which is apparently very common.
It was really bad when Ben was an infant; so much so that I saw a heart
specialist, got a (clear) echocardiogram, wore a holter monitor for 24 hrs and
had blood tests. The results, apart from being relatively reassuring, did
nothing to curb the missing beat. My blood pressure is also outrageously low
(80/50 or something). Eventually it went away. Didn’t really rear its head when
Daniel was born. Just now, around the time Ben was going to start pre-school. I
have different philosophical and existential explanations for these phenomena.
Being deeply empathic to your offspring is a mixed blessing and so our own
foundation is shaken along with theirs when paradigms shift in their little lives.
Some of that is our own projection, either of what we think they must be going
through or tapping into our own childhood grief. They say having kids is like
watching your heart walking around outside your body, only moderately being
able to protect it. The whole thing [love] is epic. All I know is that when I
am earth </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">rattling</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">ly worried and overtired, in the way that Ben deftly inspires,
my heart starts screaming! It goes boom, boom, boom – pause – adrenaline shot –
breath intake – massive boom! Over and over. I feel like I should take off like
a rocket! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQGDkYR24g9x7oaLiYeOcV15cGriZcO6gnbWLBDFO2HYeNxEj3QhaQWARdveuPFfnT59ezmFQvkjjKdj1lpfGTTeMzY_-4BWpc5S9wk1KSmaY7VS79c8H5aQ_AxNmFgrg3jypFZP8RLEO0/s1600/IMG00126-20140912-1103.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQGDkYR24g9x7oaLiYeOcV15cGriZcO6gnbWLBDFO2HYeNxEj3QhaQWARdveuPFfnT59ezmFQvkjjKdj1lpfGTTeMzY_-4BWpc5S9wk1KSmaY7VS79c8H5aQ_AxNmFgrg3jypFZP8RLEO0/s1600/IMG00126-20140912-1103.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
just left Ben’s bedroom after watching that precious kid go to sleep and then
giving him some Reiki. Alongside the usual mantras and energy involved was a
bone-deep, soul aching plea that I could ever fill him up with enough healing
energy and strength to make up for my anger, frustration and shortcomings, not
to mention all the other daily afflictions in his young sensitive person’s
life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Oh
sweet Ben, how you set my heart aflutter!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">E</span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-16037802892697414412014-09-07T14:40:00.003-04:002014-09-07T14:46:24.419-04:00Down some other road<div class="MsoNormal">
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxoFm-Yh5bZzty3A-4atQV_Jzc4LC_fv9pI0bM4RAzWSg2SR-xode0t81arYrTDQmlhgrasOs4k3Jub_VFRKHWIn2YhG3BG2SoVTSKUrlOsHwrzwvsOFB38kgAvLcrhYMisTmCDdNTlTaM/s1600/hippie--Volkswagen-Volkswagen-Microbus-1573599-480x320.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxoFm-Yh5bZzty3A-4atQV_Jzc4LC_fv9pI0bM4RAzWSg2SR-xode0t81arYrTDQmlhgrasOs4k3Jub_VFRKHWIn2YhG3BG2SoVTSKUrlOsHwrzwvsOFB38kgAvLcrhYMisTmCDdNTlTaM/s1600/hippie--Volkswagen-Volkswagen-Microbus-1573599-480x320.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I’ve
been thinking about words lately, lyrics in particular. Artists write them down
because they have something to say (besides any pressure I’m sure they also
experience!). Everyone has something to say so it begs the question: <i>what would your song be?</i> What would be
mine? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">La,
la, la, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I
tried to get pregnant and then 5 years later did. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">T</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">hought
about a dog but I’m glad I had a kid. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">S</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">tuck
here in the house while my baby snoozes on. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">Happy
that he is so I thought I’d write this song!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">A
sure hit! Maybe I’d sing about the various trials of childrearing (pick one),
or a love song (for sure). Right now I’d rant a rock anthem about how on this
extremely rare afternoon alone (save sleeping baby), when I’d planned to
finally start an iMovie about the kids, the application won’t open (long
story). A and Ben are in the Big City having Big City adventures, donuts,
dumplings, subway rides, the works. I feel a little lost actually, un-tethered.
My main purpose these days is the fam; it’s been halved and I am with the
not-especially-conversant half. Oh, we’ve had fun, precious time, but the
dynamic is so different without B&A around. Those two drive me nuts
sometimes but I already miss ‘em. I guess we’re all pretty attached, as
evidenced by the upheaval in our home re: Ben starting pre-school. Neither
parent has been sleeping well, anxiety is high. Ben is miserable every morning,
happy every afternoon. Such a roller coaster! For me, it feels hard to set him
loose into a bigger world. His former daycare was so small and cushy. It’s an
act of faith really: in our choice, in the timing, in <u>him</u> most of all.
We certainly question the decision, regularly contemplating selling the house,
buying an RV like that <a href="http://www.kelloggshow.com/" target="_blank">Kellogg</a> family with the heap of kids (12!), and just
homeschooling along the way. School of life. Now doesn’t that sound like
[crazy] fun? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">All
that extra free time gave me the gift of a song instead of a movie. The words
are below, with a tune partly inspired by “<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQWoo0WzwhQ" target="_blank">Wrong song</a>” on <i>Nashville</i>. I attached my very low-tech, real-person-voice, Guitar Band
recording of it, if you dare. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">It’s a song for Ben (who belts out “Wrong song”)…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">Down some other road</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">Wouldn’t it be nice to stay in bed on rainy days?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">Counting out the many toes, under our duvet<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">Chorus:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 11pt;">Driving you down some other road</span></div>
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Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-26381263481255832872014-07-31T10:27:00.000-04:002014-07-31T10:27:00.695-04:00So fast<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXRpVfmpretgE86y3aYNwr2OAU3EFT1P3rxCD8saFNDRoZ2y8wb0_Dhm2KRg9TVntauZF8cRncLqgYvQxaVgKd6HW2a4NY1ACfqxNWiighQOzVToVmbHJlUXYA213kDSK1fRvcl1AEAztG/s1600/ben+holding+hands.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXRpVfmpretgE86y3aYNwr2OAU3EFT1P3rxCD8saFNDRoZ2y8wb0_Dhm2KRg9TVntauZF8cRncLqgYvQxaVgKd6HW2a4NY1ACfqxNWiighQOzVToVmbHJlUXYA213kDSK1fRvcl1AEAztG/s1600/ben+holding+hands.jpg" height="320" width="205" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Mommy
blogging is like wading through a sea of clichés. I can no more escape it than
a house of boys can escape pee. And I am now looking into the face of
PRE-SCHOOL. I am both holding my Ben’s hand as he cautiously faces this massive
change to come, and also gently swaying in his wake as he bravely marches
forward into his new building, his new sand box, his new Big Boy world. [Ben
actually says to me now that he does or doesn’t do things because he is a Big
Boy.] A and I each took him to pre-school for a practice morning this week, in
anticipation of his start later in August (French language Montessori school).
I felt that classic heart swell watching him learning, earnest, focused. You
could tell he was chuffed, and the Madames in the class seemed pleased. Ben,
his moms, the people who love him, we’re all on this suddenly super fast
charging train of pride, Ben’s growing up happening rapid fire this summer.
First dressing himself, his ever more expressive vocabulary, potty training,
then this. We were going to throw a single bed into the mix but haven’t
summoned the will yet. I suppose it’s normal, that kids evolve in such a way
most of the time that you only notice change when you haven’t seen them in a while;
but then suddenly, they have quantum leaps that knock you over and leave you
feeling dizzy and lost. No wonder he and his moms are having trouble sleeping,
having nightmares and other crazy dreams. All change brings gifts and costs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">E</span><!--EndFragment-->
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-4879599426137853052014-07-31T10:25:00.000-04:002014-07-31T10:25:08.768-04:00Too few thorns<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD77-FXXn8h0qUuP8mZCIj5-Un5bueaZSuYiOmdtfLFBCUVdRQLnXH4YmWj7hwe7AyDbPF0FGygqvSioUadfMI-kMVcD4Omp_P4PAklHw_lfYGrY1xkHjO20vU_UNrbiMEGEOcuAnUQLsi/s1600/photo+1+(3).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD77-FXXn8h0qUuP8mZCIj5-Un5bueaZSuYiOmdtfLFBCUVdRQLnXH4YmWj7hwe7AyDbPF0FGygqvSioUadfMI-kMVcD4Omp_P4PAklHw_lfYGrY1xkHjO20vU_UNrbiMEGEOcuAnUQLsi/s1600/photo+1+(3).JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Daniel,
we promised to protect you from life’s thorns at your Welcoming Ceremony, until
you’re ready to handle them yourself. We did so at Ben’s too. But there was one
major difference between each of your metaphorically charged flowers. My poor
sweet second-born baby, there were too few thorns on your rose! There were only
a few to remove, maybe three, and I lost them. Ben’s had at least a dozen and I
taped them into his baby book. Overall, Ben has also had the benefit/curse of
being the first and the focus of all our new-parent anxiety and cautiousness.
But now in our busy world it feels like life is just throwing hazards at you
left and right, your knees perennially scraped, your face regularly bonked, and
your delight in puddles getting me yelled at by the old half-naked neighbour guy
to get my child out of the road (I wasn’t looking for maybe 5 seconds). You are
a delightfully adventuresome guy, and it leads you into the face of danger
every few moments, and I am not always there to keep you safe. How can I be? We
do our best to child-proof, to put you in the care of competent, loving people,
but you are good at finding the hole in the fence. And now potty training your
bro, I am ever less present, finding it suddenly quiet after taking Ben for a
poo and you at the top of the stairs! [We normally use a gate but he hasn’t needed
it of late]. Maternal guilt is part of the package, I know. It’s not going
anywhere. I just hope you know how much we love and cherish you, how important
and special you are to us, how wanted you are. The hidden gift in all this will
be your innate ability to handle challenges with aplomb, to stand up smiling
from your falls, stronger, braver. You already are extraordinary.</span> </div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">E<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-19113697643245438032014-07-31T10:13:00.001-04:002014-07-31T11:20:45.081-04:00Dealing with dying<div class="MsoNormal">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgASlcDCX9mnVj9gs4a-TukIqi-5fCGEQbkpIZPzBnF8hHRIkThTVfyMoFq5DoBrjkRVoL82QvguP4k6TDXfQWXOXNC-e4xLda706hGYhlqCofxmxUUm8FQJSa5jluw7u_LVqkg_3gz5uT1/s1600/tree-of-life-heather-watts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgASlcDCX9mnVj9gs4a-TukIqi-5fCGEQbkpIZPzBnF8hHRIkThTVfyMoFq5DoBrjkRVoL82QvguP4k6TDXfQWXOXNC-e4xLda706hGYhlqCofxmxUUm8FQJSa5jluw7u_LVqkg_3gz5uT1/s1600/tree-of-life-heather-watts.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.heatherwatts.com/miscellanea/tree-of-life/" target="_blank">Tree of Life</a> by Heather Watts</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Maman,
when I’m gonna be a man, I’ll be dead.” My three and a half year old Ben has
begun his lifelong wrestling with our fundamental state of reality: everything
dies eventually. It’s what makes life possible, but it’s also what makes us
crazy. My partner kept herself up endless nights as a young person worrying
about death, what it would feel like, when it would come. The more A talks
about it, the more folks come out of the closet with similar stories. She said
it’s partly because she was given no framework to understand it, nor did her
parents know she was grappling with the topic. How to save Ben from her fate? I
have never worried about dying, at least not existentially. I went to many
funerals as a child, and at age 11 held my Nana’s hand as she died peacefully
in our home. [I’m fortunate though not to have experienced the death of
children, or any violent deaths.] I am also blessed with a story I gave myself,
a story I believe in, despite rational opposition from my brain. I know deep
down that this isn’t the first time I’ve done this thing, Life. I know it won’t
be the last. I’m not sure whether I believe each life is to teach us a
particular set of lessons, leading to some nirvanic end point. But I like the
theory, and I chose to work with what this life presents. I know our bodies
will become compost, which has its own magic and beauty. I want that too, to be
buried without a box, to become the earth. No energy or mass is ever gone, just
rearranged, repurposed. Nature’s reincarnation. But that’s for our body, what
of the soul? What can I, in good faith, say to my unformed son’s open eyes?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Here is what I want to say
to Ben</span></b><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">:
This beautiful body of yours is the house for an even more beautiful soul; you
can’t see it but you can feel it. I can feel it. It’s the most YOU of you, and
it will never die, never be apart from the people you love. You are an
essential piece of the Spirit of the World, of the Life that connects all
things. A part of every living being that has died is in the caress of the
wind. You have been part of the world since always, and you always will be.
Will you always be Ben? No, you are Ben now and you are so much more too. When
you breathe in, the air actually contains little pieces of others, of
butterflies, of clouds and your body becomes them a tiny bit. They become you
too. Your mothers’ job is to do our best to keep you safe, to help you take
care of your body and soul so that this life can be long and happy. But one
day, hopefully a very long time from now, your body will become part of the
earth again, your soul set free to dance through the sky, to find a new body.
So will ours. And we will find each other, again and again, forever. Blessed
be!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6l5yCFC45U1GH2P93GSifDmu30Xb1OYlD9uG0aqab-Ry3LEBiR_HhwUuVxVx6-ozSqDe35F738Cqb07Sw3vlz7rezb8h51uJ3Y0vP80Ij9Kstw_w3FmsOdZ4WmAtldCdyPxG3rFsQWBnc/s1600/IMG_2150.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6l5yCFC45U1GH2P93GSifDmu30Xb1OYlD9uG0aqab-Ry3LEBiR_HhwUuVxVx6-ozSqDe35F738Cqb07Sw3vlz7rezb8h51uJ3Y0vP80Ij9Kstw_w3FmsOdZ4WmAtldCdyPxG3rFsQWBnc/s1600/IMG_2150.JPG" height="320" width="213" /></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Day
3. Morale waivers. Today has actually been a great day, lots of toilet use, one
“wild” pee in the grass. Even a real, bonafide poo in the toilet. I hear that
this is the piece de resistance of potty training. We have hit the home run!!
Well, Ben is 3.5 years old, so there is that. You can’t say that he doesn’t get
the concept. It’s just we never pushed it, and finally he needs to sort it out
by September and we hustled things along cold-turkey (except pull-ups at
night). We are deeply proud of him, to say the least. Great. So no problem
right? Now ask us how the mothers are faring…. Poorly at best (brief moments of
euphoria notwithstanding). We are both control oriented people, we like things
tidy, we have a routine… This week-end has blasted that open. We cannot show
frustration to our brave, struggling boy, so we turn on ourselves and each
other and that spot on the floor (why won’t it come OUT?!?!). We have each had
to take time outs of our own to cool off, decompress, recommit. Ben does “quiet
time” each day he is home, for 30 min. He stays in the play-room (mostly),
listens to music, does his stickers or whatever. I try and actually relax
during that time since Daniel is napping. Today I dealt with phone operators
while Ben yelled and pounded on the door until finally I went to end our mutual
misery at the designated time, only to find that he had stickered his penis. He
has also become deeply curious about his anatomy: “what is the hole the pee
comes out of called?”, “what is the hole the poo comes out of called?” It’s all
about holes. (What the heck is the pee hole called anyway??) So, now our child
knows the term anus, knows the cats have one and has decided he doesn’t like
the word (just “bum” please). Anyway, after removing the stickers, he proceeded
to help me in the kitchen. Bless him. But he was naked on the lower half, and
every time he heard water he thought he had to pee, would run to the toilet,
aim, false alarm, hand wash (or not, chasing him, returning to bathroom, hand
wash), undies, fight about undies, get a chocolate if he actually peed, inability
to ignore his own now easily available body parts, more hand washing, repeat.
Over and over. Cute, but massively disruptive to my attempt to attack the
splats of mashed sweet potato dripping down the side of the cupboard, the
cheese gunk stuck to the counter, the mountain of dishes from cooking and
playing all this rainy day of Stuck At Home Learning to Potty. This is HUGE. I
know it. Earthshattering to his existential sense of self. Plus, he gets one M&M for each pee, two for a poo. I am starting to feel like moms should get
the same!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><span style="font-size: 15px;">E</span></span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-20526322929493725722014-06-29T14:14:00.001-04:002014-06-29T14:17:03.125-04:00Land of milk and honey<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmfWRaZs2WYl09_rTIDu6XNbzBohAUYZRD-YB6RDx3DAS7Tqt21tijzg-2_WpfDEj1N1AUKtJIq-pO_goseRJjs25_jI3wVD18ufsfej208v-6y7n-oIxLUBmm-LBoTQH_05u7GeMqPRjp/s1600/Israeli-honey-524x393.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmfWRaZs2WYl09_rTIDu6XNbzBohAUYZRD-YB6RDx3DAS7Tqt21tijzg-2_WpfDEj1N1AUKtJIq-pO_goseRJjs25_jI3wVD18ufsfej208v-6y7n-oIxLUBmm-LBoTQH_05u7GeMqPRjp/s1600/Israeli-honey-524x393.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">It’s
official: my baby has self-weaned completely at 16 months. My milk is draining
away, the ducts are closing up shop, laying off workers, restructuring. I feel
like I am crawling out of a dark (albeit cozy) den back into who or what I was
before I became a food source. My cells will realign themselves to reflect the
new me, since I am of course forever changed. From now on, I am the land of
just honey, a source of sweetness and cuddles for both little boys. I will
never go back; trying to reconnect with the “old me” is an illusion. Parenting,
being a bio-mom, both roles are powerful and perennial and root out any weaker
plants growing nearby. To grow a marriage relationship, to grow a new selfhood
within this new reality, is going to take major grunt work and fertilizer.
Maybe I’ll start tomorrow. These days, I crave the oblivion of good take-out sushi
and Nashville on TV, or reading the teen fantasy series du jour. Through the blessed fog, I know that I deeply crave
connection with A. I am grieving the loss of nursing Daniel, though
it has thankfully been a slow process (kind little guy!). But my heart and body
are ready to get back on the A-train, to start making time to re-route
ourselves onto a better track. It’s now or never. In the hustle of our family
life, it’s not easy to remember to notice each other, or to reach out.
Sometimes it suddenly is though, like a surprise movie cuddle (for me) or
coffee made (for her). Recently I can feel the wind shifting, this hot summer
weather mixed with a cool breeze from the lake are both portents of sweet
things coming to us. I’m not “back” exactly, but it feels something like that. It
will be an evolving process, the little deaths of doors closing leave space for
living a new me, a new us. And hey, I’m all honey now!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 11.0pt;">E</span></div>
Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1318478394249140806.post-68747830232356895862014-05-10T19:24:00.002-04:002014-05-10T19:24:57.060-04:00Bedtime boobie blues
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2EJuFlZxK05KbgMULYvDP9bYGlAfr5YjuH7Js0sWeBC1velRUiCFZzaiuyTKAH8nQb36VmfwaYKwJPJ77kbpzhlF_7sIqBoneJ6uSx09NSV1CicM-1CXQ-VWF1jHcyixOa6oV61h8QQP-/s1600/IMG_5937+-+Version+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2EJuFlZxK05KbgMULYvDP9bYGlAfr5YjuH7Js0sWeBC1velRUiCFZzaiuyTKAH8nQb36VmfwaYKwJPJ77kbpzhlF_7sIqBoneJ6uSx09NSV1CicM-1CXQ-VWF1jHcyixOa6oV61h8QQP-/s1600/IMG_5937+-+Version+2.JPG" height="200" width="133" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">You
really don’t want it? It’s your magic elixir, to nourish and sustain you, to
keep you safe. It’s the best of me. Less and less these days, no day-time
feeds, and now tonight, nothing. Not a drop. My heart is aching. I know it’s not
personal, and I am so proud of your growing 14 month old self. You are adventurous and funny
and brave. Lately you’ve become a huggy, cuddly guy too, so very appreciated. You
roll with it so often, our second-child neglect, an elder brother’s
ministrations, the many bumps in your gung-ho day. I know you are your own
person, heading straight into the arms of Life, but are you so ready to leave
our little nursing nest? Don’t you crave that </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">succour</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> after your busy day? You turned
away in disdain from mother’s milk this evening, told me to give you your
dragon and put you to bed. Oh Daniel, I’m not sure I’M ready. I’ve
got your back little man, but please don’t leave me behind…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">E</span></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Ehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12663859114130609978noreply@blogger.com0