OMG!

I’m all a-flutter sitting here typing this, I can’t sit still. Not being very effective at work. Nothing matters here amidst databases and deadlines, nothing is as important as my big secret! I have gone inward, and also outward (from work anyway), preferring to connect with people on line, thinking about family and home rather than targets and follow-ups. I have had this secret for 8 weeks now, 8 weeks of being somewhat here, somewhat elsewhere, daydreaming, clumsy and forgetful. Content and full of quiet hope. No fear. Is it really possible that I’m 12 weeks pregnant?? The evidence seems to be conclusive, as there have been no periods, three positive pee sticks, sore body parts, random emotional outbursts, and best of all, as of yesterday, au audible heartbeat, strong and steady. A little baby in the making. I don’t know the mechanics of miracles, but it sure feels like one. Thirteenth try it was, lucky 13. I had not been trying since 4 months before Ben was conceived in 2010. My first try was Sept. 2007. Our donor only gave us one dose this successful cycle too, since his folks were in town. We did not think it would work. We had no precedent to even believe it possible. Why now? Why this time? I wish I could answer that conclusively. I have my list of potential contenders; you can choose which one(s) you think helped:

2    * Going vegan for six months prior to it working (eating really healthy, possible reduction in inflammation, dealing with unknown allergies, less exposure to certain hormone-ladden products).

* Having a baby in the house already (hormone soup).

3     * The planet Venus doing her once-every-8-years fly-by transit right around insemination time. The goddess Venus is known for her powers of manifestation in the realms of fertility and love.

*      * Manifestation map (a collage of the desired quantities in my life, especially related to pregnancy, family etc). I meditated on it nightly, its colorful images and encouraging words flooding my mind and inevitably my subconscious.

       * A total attitude shift from it being all about me, my spiritual journey, my failing body, my personal issues, to it being about wanting to increase our family and to be the conduit for more joy.

       * Lastly, and likely most potently, our donor has super-sperm. Seriously. We’ve had several donors (fresh and frozen). But the first time we tried him, A produced Ben. Second try with him worked for me. And I’m pretty sure I was preggers the first try but then we all got a wicked case of the stomach flu and everything was flushed. He is clearly the right guy for our family making plans!

       * Ok, lastly, lastly, there is the ephemeral, ineffable quality of mystery.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me over the years. We have developed a wonderful community from becoming parents, and also from shared trials. I love you all! And I am loving this little human bean that has magically germinated, impossibly choosing my womb as its fertile earth. I can’t believe it, but I must! It’s really happening…

E