I’m all a-flutter sitting here typing this, I can’t sit still. Not
being very effective at work. Nothing
matters here amidst databases and deadlines, nothing is as important as my big
secret! I have gone inward, and also outward (from work anyway), preferring to
connect with people on line, thinking about family and home rather than targets
and follow-ups. I have had this secret for 8 weeks now, 8 weeks of being
somewhat here, somewhat elsewhere, daydreaming, clumsy and forgetful. Content
and full of quiet hope. No fear. Is it really possible that I’m 12 weeks
pregnant?? The evidence seems to be conclusive, as there have been no periods, three
positive pee sticks, sore body parts, random emotional outbursts, and best of
all, as of yesterday, au audible heartbeat, strong and steady. A little baby in
the making. I don’t know the mechanics of miracles, but it sure feels like one.
Thirteenth try it was, lucky 13. I had not been trying since 4 months before
Ben was conceived in 2010. My first try was Sept. 2007. Our donor only gave us
one dose this successful cycle too, since his folks were in town. We did not
think it would work. We had no precedent to even believe it possible. Why now?
Why this time? I wish I could answer that conclusively. I have my list of
potential contenders; you can choose which one(s) you think helped:
2 * Going vegan for six months prior to it working (eating
really healthy, possible reduction in inflammation, dealing with unknown
allergies, less exposure to certain hormone-ladden products).
* Having a baby in the house already (hormone soup).
* Having a baby in the house already (hormone soup).
3 * The planet Venus doing her once-every-8-years
fly-by transit right around insemination time. The goddess Venus is known for
her powers of manifestation in the realms of fertility and love.
* * Manifestation map (a collage of the desired
quantities in my life, especially related to pregnancy, family etc). I
meditated on it nightly, its colorful images and encouraging words flooding my
mind and inevitably my subconscious.
* A total attitude shift from it being all about
me, my spiritual journey, my failing body, my personal issues, to it being
about wanting to increase our family and to be the conduit for more joy.
* Lastly, and likely most potently, our donor has
super-sperm. Seriously. We’ve had several donors (fresh and frozen). But the first
time we tried him, A produced Ben. Second try with him worked for me. And
I’m pretty sure I was preggers the first try but then we all got a wicked case
of the stomach flu and everything was flushed. He is clearly the right guy for
our family making plans!
* Ok, lastly, lastly, there is the ephemeral, ineffable
quality of mystery.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me over the years. We have
developed a wonderful community from becoming parents, and also from shared
trials. I love you all! And I am loving this little human bean that has magically
germinated, impossibly choosing my womb as its fertile earth. I can’t believe
it, but I must! It’s really happening…
E
