Here and now

Wherever you go, there you are. That is one of my go-to catch phrases when I’m in need of a little one-stop wisdom shopping. I am prone to escapism (thankfully without an addictive personality), going deeply into novels or within the powerful boundaries of my own mind. When I want to, I can avoid unpleasant things like nobody’s business. There is a silver lining to that attribute, a skill that focuses on possibility and positivity and rainbows and such when life provides lemons (like a $4000 tax bill for A being on parental leave, boo!). It’s a mixed blessing, being an escapism prone optimist. Sometimes things get done, sometimes they don’t.  Anyway, it means that I am attracted to the idea that going somewhere else (physically or metaphorically) might fix things. As we all know, our invisible luggage lags behind whether we like it or not. I guess I thought that having a child would blow my heart so permanently wide open that I would become a saintly person, driven by tidal waves of love and generosity of spirit. I would never yell or feel hateful again. I would take care of everyone. I would feel so present to each astounding moment that I would not need to hide in my cave. No one would ever be angry with me because I would be so good. Hmph. I wish.

As I’ve noted before, no one can go through having a child and remain unchanged, mostly for the best. Change is the way of life, says the Buddha; or what makes it so interesting, says his wonderful student Pema Chodron. I was so ready to ride the change wave when Ben arrived, Hawaiwan print surfing clothes, tan (ha!) and everything. I guess I just expected to become a better person automatically, without effort. Herein lies the crux of it then. Like in marriage, regardless of having found the One who makes our heart sing, we don’t get the good stuff without work. Relationships and children are definitely the best schools and masters if we let them be. Most of us just complain about the tough parts (not me though, never); we try harder some days and flake out the rest. Where is the gratitude? What more are we asking for? I have always wished for a spiritual teacher to kick the existential sh*t out of me. I expected a wizened octogenarian monk in robes perhaps, chanting, or a middle aged / New aged Jewish woman with curls who sings while making latkes, or maybe a Gospel preacher. I don’t know. Someone obvious. Someone loving and tough. Someone who demands the best and then picks me up when I stumble. Wherever you go, there you are, they say. Oh woman, just turn around on the spot and look before you. They are right there, looking at me, a beautiful, complicated woman and a little boy with his Duckie, their arms open, ready to teach me the only really important lessons in life. Goddess may I endeavor to deserve these amazing teachers and wake up to how ridiculously lucky I am to be here and now.

E

NB: The above image is original art by Katie Daisy, please see http://www.etsy.com/listing/66633318/here-and-now

Relationship Tests

Any pregnancy likely triggers conflict. Take one hormonal, bloated, cranky, hungry, sleep-deprived and nauseous woman and add one partner who, from the pleasure of sympathetic hormone reactions and her own issues may be some or all of the above (not to mention nursing a kind of twisted jealousy). Top it all off with the heavy luggage of years of helpless anger, heavy expense and monthly broken hearts. OOph! We’re in the 2^nd trimester now, and things are somewhat gentler. We are starting to get excited. I went shopping!!!!!! [please note, the baby store was closing, so…]. I wanted to post this email I wrote to A a few weeks ago, after a tough day of A feeling anxious and worrying about what this pregnancy could do to us:

“Remember how strong we are. Partnership is like muscles and the more you work them out the stronger they get, the more resilient, the better able to carry us long distances or to climb over mountains. We have been attending a seriously boot-camp style relationship gym for a long time, and we have nourished ourselves and taken breaks and all the things you need to be able to keep going. I believe that’s why it worked this time, from our commitment to rest and re-connection. That being said, we don’t want any injuries and so we need to take reasonable precautions. We need to be sensitive to each other while also being patient with each other’s not always being as sensitive as possible. We need to do special things together and talk about other topics (with each other and others, once we start talking). We are not this, it is part of us. Part of the many steps in our wild and wondrous journey. As Pema Chodron writes:

The essence of life is that it’s challenging. Sometimes it is sweet, and sometimes it is bitter. Sometimes your body tenses, and sometimes it relaxes and opens. Sometimes you have a headache, and sometimes you feel 100% healthy. From an awakened perspective, trying to tie up all the loose ends and finally get it together is death, because it involves rejecting a lot of your basic experience.

I have that up at work. It helps me remember that life is not supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be interesting. I also have one up about wanting to experience my true potential for love, which this next chapter in our lives will help!! I love you. Can you endeavor to set aside as many worries and anxieties as possible and have faith? In us, in your body. You need to be feeding your soul right now too. Embrace the goddess of creation within, see your mentors everywhere in nature. We’ll have more fun that way!”

E