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| Hortense breastfeeding Paul - Cezanne |
Today a landmark shift
happened in the lives of Ben, A and our family in general. Ben and his Mummy
shared their last breastfeeding moment snuggled together in bed this morning,
Ben in his “wee-oo” (firetruck) pajamas and A bleary eyed from a later night
getting ready for her first big trip away from him. It was tender and warm and sweet. And I am pretty sure I heard him say, "tank oo Mummy". We have called nursing
“beau-beau” as a more discreet form of “boob” to hear across a busy restaurant,
and it means beautiful or nice in French. Nursing took some getting used to for
both parties when Ben was an infant, but both have enjoyed the relationship and
bonding since. Why stop now? He just turned two, we anticipate our next son’s
arrival in 4.5 weeks, A is away for five days, and it just seemed like it was
time. A also had a rough go on their England trip where nursing was the only
thing that would get him to sleep, and didn't always work, and was accompanied
by pinching, patting and smacking on his part. It’s been much better since then
but he is also less interested, more willing to move on when A has said “no
beau-beau right now”, is happy with his cup of almond milk and seems ready
enough for this big shift. We've also been weaning slowing, reducing feeds over the last month or so.
But it is bittersweet.
My heart aches for A,
since it has meant so much to her to be his food and comfort these two years. That sweet little hand will no longer rub her arm incessantly. Nor will Ben say
“udder side pease!” again. He will still have morning snuggles with moms, and
lots and lots and lots of hugs and books of course. But I honor this passage for them
both, Ben stepping out of “baby” into “boy” and A from “nursing mother” into,
well, that’s the rub! We are pretty sure this morning was her last time
nursing, though nothing is ever 100%. Who is she now? “Co-parent”, one of two
moms who can equally tend to Ben’s needs? I suspect those two will always have
a special bond though, no matter what is next on the adventure road of our
family. Her hug will always be just a little more comforting…
A, my love, thank you
for being there for him all this time in that special way, especially in the
middle of the dark nights, in the hospital waiting rooms, on planes, or when
it’s hurt or been hard. Thank you for nurturing our precious boy’s sense of
connection and self, of safety and unity. Thank you for being the “you are what
you eat” for him, your cells, your love, you immunity, your beauty filling him
up. He is a lucky boy.
E
You
really don’t want it? It’s your magic elixir, to nourish and sustain you, to
keep you safe. It’s the best of me. Less and less these days, no day-time
feeds, and now tonight, nothing. Not a drop. My heart is aching. I know it’s not
personal, and I am so proud of your growing 14 month old self. You are adventurous and funny
and brave. Lately you’ve become a huggy, cuddly guy too, so very appreciated. You
roll with it so often, our second-child neglect, an elder brother’s
ministrations, the many bumps in your gung-ho day. I know you are your own
person, heading straight into the arms of Life, but are you so ready to leave
our little nursing nest? Don’t you crave that succour after your busy day? You turned
away in disdain from mother’s milk this evening, told me to give you your
dragon and put you to bed. Oh Daniel, I’m not sure I’M ready. I’ve
got your back little man, but please don’t leave me behind…
