Missing

That’s it. It’s over. Forgive the drama, it feels dramatic. No more mat leave with Daniel. I just left my ten-month-old baby in the (albeit highly capable) hands of our daycare provider. He did not react, but then, he has no idea what’s about to happen. She will put him down for a nap, the first time anyone has done so other than his parents. He will be there for hours without me. He will be over a year younger than the other 4 kids. Is Ben old enough at 3 to know he needs to watch out for his recently helmet-less, tiny little brother??? He looks so small there, so vulnerable. At his welcoming ceremony last May, there was a part where we, his parents, stripped the thorns from a rose to symbolize how we will protect him from life’s thorns until he can do so himself. There were not many on the stem, but we did it (Ben’s had a dozen or more!). What I am wondering is have we lived up to that promise? It feels like he is more neglected than Ben was, more often falling over, more often caught holding wires. I know it’s all par for the course with a second, especially a monkey mover like D.  He is going to daycare two months before Ben did. I am just writing words, words. I can’t access the wrenching hole in my midsection that threatens to take me down. I never thought I would want to stay at home with a baby, but now… I don’t know. Will I ever be ready to leave him? I doubt it. Will he feel abandoned? Does he know I love him? Does he miss me?

E