I need help. I thought maybe I needed a therapist, but
perhaps I just need words, to think through my fingers. Sometimes I think they
are smarter than I am. Maybe typing bypasses the mental filters and crap that
prevents the truth from being discerned. I need help because I feel like a
witness to my life, like I am on the sidelines reacting, watching, poorly
parenting. Sometimes this happens when things are too overwhelming, a kind of
disconnected escapism (classic). I just went back to work 3 days a week (it has
been 2.5 weeks now) after an arduous holiday season of road travel. Daniel is
doing remarkably well at daycare so that is such a present! But I am pumping up
to three times per work day and then again at my bedtime. He is only 11 months
old, and pretty scrawny compared to our Michelin Man firstborn. I feel that
there is a lot of energy going outwards. I am also obsessed with sleep (duh,
says the reader). I feel like it’s reasonable since we have had so many
challenges with Ben’s sleep. But lots of people with kids have sleep issues and
I don’t think they all think about it as much as I do. I feel like lately I am
living nap to meal to bedtime, focusing on the schedule, the tasks, making
everything optimal for sleep (theirs and ours) that I sometimes forget that
those things are not all there is. Sometimes I have to remember to look my
family members in the eyes, to stop and get down on the floor or ask about
their day, to really see them. Where did I go? Where is my energy, confidence,
patience? When I am on, I am really on, but mostly lately, I feel like an
automaton. How is waiting for his Bug Light to come on (which has saved our
early morning issues of yore) more important than taking time to snuggle with a
sad little boy? Where is my heart? How do I find my way back?
E
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Oh Emily... you have to give yourself more time. Just as you were adjusting when Ben was 2.5 weeks and Daniel was 2.5 weeks. now you have a new baby--- work! Just remember... you are enough! You always are. I had so much Mommy guilt with our first 2 guys. Just go with what works for you on that day or in that moment. It will get easier... With only 1 guy, I had no schedule but with 2 kids- it's a sanity saver. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You got through all this before when Alice had to go back to work and you'll get through it again. But don't be afraid to seek help if you are struggling!! Parenting isn't for wusses. Love you!! xx
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