Love letter to my sons

Little one, you are sleeping upstairs, swaddled in the bassinet you will soon outgrow, your chest softly moving up and down. Only babies breath so deeply. You are having a really good nap and my heart pitter patters, for truly, sleep is a gift. What occupies your dreaming mind? Do you swim in a sea as blue as your eyes? When I look into them, I am struck each time by the intense personhood of the you looking back at me. You were two cells and now you are you, sitting in your bumbo chair, sucking on your tiny perfect fingers, smirking at your big brother throwing chickpeas everywhere. I am grateful for your need of me, though the responsibility can be a heavy load, grateful that so much peace and sustenance and holiness can come from my body. I know it can be hard on Mummy that she can’t feed you from her own. I know when she squeezes you and showers you with kisses, when she wears you, walking and rocking your sad, sweet self to sleep, that she is feeding your spirit. Where did you come from baby D? I watch my family’ history flow through your genes, as your body grows, as your temperament unfolds. People ask me what’s different, being your bio -mom. Mostly I just feel so lucky to have made you, to have carried you, to have birthed you. I am happier in this family, like I belong more, like things are balanced. You make me happy by just existing.

And oh my big boy Ben, you have so much to tell us! How the world has opened up now that we know what you’ve been thinking all this time. It is endlessly interesting to talk with you about what kind of pajamas tractors wear, what neighborhood kids are getting on your toy bus, how the little shih tzu at daycare was sniffing your best friend Elliott. It is such a pleasure to roll with you on the bed as you shriek with laughter at the peek-a-boo-tickle game you invented, to roll snakes out of playdoh and feed them from tiny bowls with even tinier spoons, a precious treat to say goodnight with you snuggled in my arms to all the animals in the tree mural on your wall. We have had our differences, like any two people in relationship, and you know I can be tough. I think though that we have each others’ respect. Please know that you have mine. I really appreciate how well we share space, in a really peaceful, present way. You have a sensitive, gentle self my sweet boy, and that can be a burden to carry in this hard world. But mostly it is a gift, quiet watcher, becoming an ever braver adventurer. You bring so much tenderness and thoughtfulness to your living. Your small hand on Daniel’s smaller cheek is so precious. You made me a mother and a parent, and you changed my life forever. I endeavor to forever deserve you.

I love you both more than words can say. Thank you.

E