Boom! My child is on the floor from tripping over a hastily stashed bag
of veggies and is upset. I go over to see if he’s alright. Or he is angry and
loud, coming to tears because of some change in routine or unwanted activity.
Or he looks stricken watching another child shrieking. In all these situations
it is my instinct and it would seem that of most people I know to say “It’s
okay!” Especially if we know it’s not really a big deal ultimately, such as a
small fall or a brief separation. Lately I have been musing on the fact that
for Ben, truly, it is NOT okay. He may be unhappy, confused, uncomfortable, hurt,
angry or frustrated and things are definitely not okay in those moments. I think that what we’ll
all trying to convey is our lifetime of wisdom of knowing which things will BE
okay, or perhaps which we think SHOULD be okay. Possibly it’s a culturally
based comforting phrase that just pops out of us? Or maybe we are uncomfortable
with the upset child and want to smooth it over, make the discomfort (his and
ours) end.
Lately, as an experiment, A and I have been trying to name his feelings
instead of jumping to “It’s okay”, saying things like, “Oh Ben, you went boom,
did that hurt?” [along with trying to teach the sign for “ouch”] or “Yes, I
know you’re angry, Ben is frustrated, I know…” [followed by a redirect if
possible]. When he’s sad, we try and acknowledge that it’s hard to be a kid, hard
not to get what we want, and hard when people leave sometimes. Hugs are
offered. This new approach is hopefully not done in a clingy way, mind, nor from
micro-management. I’m also not running to him in a panic when he falls. I am just
walking over and being present, available to name what happened, how he feels
and how I’m there if he needs anything. In a way, I think it honors his
humanity better not to try and superficially smooth things over when his
discretion is so undeveloped and his life experience so raw and
present-centered. What do you think?
E
I think its a new innovative way of saying "its OK".
ReplyDeleteI've always liked to ask "Are you Okay?". You and Alice have great instincts. I think people want things to be okay, so they tell others (especially children) they are fine without even briefly acknowledging what happened or any hurt feelings, etc. I think pausing and asking helps them understand you're considering their feelings and in turn helps them with empathy. Side note: I watched my son fall once under a picnic table into mud and the other adults around him started telling him he was okay before he could even process what was going on. Of course there were a few tears. Imagine their surprise when I informed them that my son was not in fact okay and then instead asked him if a hug would help, and if he was scared. It served to help him calm down better when his feelings were first acknowledged. Ahh the challenges of parenting. ;)
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