[written march 15, 2017]
I feel numb most of the time. I have a lot of “shoulds” whirling around me about appropriate feelings and responses to the shit storm of the last few weeks. I should be devastated my dad had a heart attack (he’s doing well). I should be angry and sad at A for missing my 40th birthday party (though she was at her palliative grandad’s side in England, whom I also love). She and I have barely seen each other lately. Parenting has also been extra tough. I should be falling apart, weepy, but I’m mostly coping. I have been sick a lot, sad sometimes, worried a bit. I feel though like I am not performing my scripted roles correctly. Like my body’s emotional capacity has fried and I’m now just coasting along like a well medicated patient, shuffling down hallways, humming, saying “look, it’s raining”. If I let anything past, the wall will crumble and I may not be able to put anything back together. Maybe that would be a good thing. Maybe it’s phoenix time. I know its not so clear cut, to just throw up the pieces and see where they land. I also know I am strong and reasonably resilient and should give myself more credit.
Lately I am craving revolution though, do-overs, higher states of consciousness. I want to think differently, to be ok with life’s hell better, let things in without collapsing. I want that for my whole family, but when I bring up things like mindfulness classes I end up sounding preachy. I end up making A feel personally judged, coming out with failing marks for wellness. Why do we sabotage our chance at peace and fulfillment? I know happiness is too ephemeral. But being present, breathing, staring fear in the face, those things could change the world. I know our little family world needs better budgeting, home repairs, therapy and so much more. We of course also need energy, time alone, respite from the relentless nature of parenting!
I think most of us are like me, just stumbling along, handling situations, making the best of it. I want to feel safe to feel more, to live more juicy, to sit with the shit and not pass out. The more I learn about what’s possible, the more the answer is “being present”. Not checking out.
Fear… watch out! I am busting in!