Monday, September 12, 2016

Why I meditate with my eyes open

Image from here
I don't, actually. My preference is for maximum zone-out, or zone-in, any kind of mama-free, personal-time. I am a devotee of many things, sci-fi fantasy books, yoga & meditation, Hindu goddesses, intimacy, chocolate baked goods... things that lend themselves to total immersion, total escape from/into something blissful and without (much) harm. Lately though, my morning practice (daily since Feb!!) has been hard. It's hard to juggle time-wise, I hear the kids fighting downstairs, they often visit to show me things, and my mind just has a field day when I actually sit still. I get so grumpy when I am interrupted or can't do my sit first thing. I almost think my practice these days ought to look more like being present in each moment rather than cramming it into that one 20 minute window. Like the yogis who meditate in the midst of busy markets, I need to be centring, noticing sensations, calming down my nervous system, while also convincing Ben not to throw dirt in Daniel's hair and Daniel to clean up the 5 tubs of toys (of different kinds) he dumped into the SAME pile. Or breathing deeply while also fielding malcontented voices, managing the monotony of closing files at work, or wading through the fear of changes coming too soon. Maybe it would bring more equanimity into my dramatic existence.

Since I was a little girl, I've loved wishing on stars. My wishes are very general, more about the bigger picture, so I am not concerned about sharing them with you now. For most of my twenties and thirties, my wish was to "be free, in po-ssi-bi-li-ty". A few months ago it occurred to me that that rang a little of escapism, and that in fact I had bound myself by choice to many new and sacred duties (family especially) which asked for a new and sacred wish. Now, walking home under starry skies, I wish to "be here now, present to the wow."

Join me in committing to being APAP, As Present As Possible, in every moment of each blessed, crazy day.


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