Eggpectations

Spring is a joyful, messy business isn't it? All the grey and rain, the longer days warming the earth and pushing up bulbs. All the revelations from melted snow, some treasures like an afore unknown iris growing, some less so like the gifts of a season of dogs. And all the mating! It’s a heady season, spring; so many senses engaged at once. I like to watch the flock of starlings outside my window. I think people really underestimate these unassuming black birds. The lads are really such goofy romantics, fluffing up their feathers, which shine emerald and violet in the sun, raising up their wings and ending the dance with an astounding squawk. Now I know ‘tis the season, but I've observed these hopefuls at it all summer! And they have such sweet faces and kind looking eyes. The speckled ladies are all busy building nests now and although we really need to prune that tree from which the massive flock sits and poops on our car all day, I fervently wish them to build their nests there. I like to imagine the lady starlings feeling the egg(s) forming in their bodies, growing, the hard exterior pushing at their hearts, setting off an ageless, primal need to make it a soft, welcoming home.

So many of our friends are pregnant right now. It must be such an intimate experience to be so in tune with nature. Women are lucky of course to have the oft-maligned privilege of cycling with the moon. This is different though, birds don’t menstruate, nor bugs, nor snakes. Every species feels the call of Life that must be answered, even if to say “no thank you,” as only humans can. I am choosing between two paths now, to throw myself at the mercy of Life’s whims again and answer Her call, or to gracefully step back and decline the honor for this lifetime. We do have an already tried and true baby container in this relationship, and there are scores of unwanted children to scoop up and love.  I am still unsure of where I stand with my body, whether we’re talking again. When I was trying before, it would upset me to hear of pregnancies. Now I don’t feel anything really, besides happy for those who are pregnant. Maybe it’s a good sign, that rather than being disconnected from body or emotions like I suspected, maybe I have changed for the better. I know trying and then becoming a parent have been humbling. I’d like to think I haven’t lost faith, haven’t given up, and in fact have just softened. That I’m letting it all happen as it’s meant to. If only I could just wait, rocking gently in that monthly moon’s tide, for a baby to appear in my uterus. There’s no getting around it, no sperm is getting to my eggs from my just being more relaxed. I have agency here, and Life and A demand an answer.

What would it feel like to be that starling, bringing forth new little singers because that’s just what she does? Oh to be able to turn off that blessed/cursed brain. Spring is definitely in my veins though, and I do feel the sap starting to flow. I feel a certain yearning to join the hoards of joyful messy beasts in the dance. In fact, A and I have just started a couples’ ballroom dance class, and I am definitely leading…

Happy spring to all and to all a good nest.

E