Integrating birth

I had another dream last night about being pregnant. I think that’s the fifth in the last while. I am always surprised about how it happened! Sometimes I wonder if A will be mad, like I went behind her back… I’m not sure why I’m dreaming about pregnancy. Is it Mama Nature tugging at me while She can? Is it just normal? I was looking at videos and pictures of myself right after Daniel’s birth, remembering his squishy face and cone head and deep eyes. Remembering how I’d almost given up, how I’d said “never again” after pushing him out. The love of a parent is a strange and potent thing, or maybe all love makes us blind. Maybe I’m dreaming of having another baby because mine is growing so fast, climbs everything, doesn’t always want kisses anymore, or says things like “boom, boom, music in the sky” about thunder.

I have another theory about why that dream keeps repeating. I’ve been an achy mama since Daniel’s birth. He’s two and a half already and my hips and knees are still acting like I became a granny not a bio-mom! How many moms groan when they stand up from the floor? Ok, maybe I’m not alone. What if it’s my body chattering to me? Am I listening? Could it be saying, “Listen mama, you’re really sad. Your heart is breaking a little watching him get further away each day. Giving birth to D was the most intense thing that ever happened to you and have you processed that?? Pay attention to me, I was his first home and I am hurting.” I am not sure I am ready to hear you body, because if I do, maybe I’ll let the pain go and won’t have a daily reminder that for a little while he was all mine.

E