Going through the motions

I need help. I thought maybe I needed a therapist, but perhaps I just need words, to think through my fingers. Sometimes I think they are smarter than I am. Maybe typing bypasses the mental filters and crap that prevents the truth from being discerned. I need help because I feel like a witness to my life, like I am on the sidelines reacting, watching, poorly parenting. Sometimes this happens when things are too overwhelming, a kind of disconnected escapism (classic). I just went back to work 3 days a week (it has been 2.5 weeks now) after an arduous holiday season of road travel. Daniel is doing remarkably well at daycare so that is such a present! But I am pumping up to three times per work day and then again at my bedtime. He is only 11 months old, and pretty scrawny compared to our Michelin Man firstborn. I feel that there is a lot of energy going outwards. I am also obsessed with sleep (duh, says the reader). I feel like it’s reasonable since we have had so many challenges with Ben’s sleep. But lots of people with kids have sleep issues and I don’t think they all think about it as much as I do. I feel like lately I am living nap to meal to bedtime, focusing on the schedule, the tasks, making everything optimal for sleep (theirs and ours) that I sometimes forget that those things are not all there is. Sometimes I have to remember to look my family members in the eyes, to stop and get down on the floor or ask about their day, to really see them. Where did I go? Where is my energy, confidence, patience? When I am on, I am really on, but mostly lately, I feel like an automaton. How is waiting for his Bug Light to come on (which has saved our early morning issues of yore) more important than taking time to snuggle with a sad little boy? Where is my heart? How do I find my way back?

E